Do

During a Tantrum / Defiance

• Validate their feelings – Let them know they’re not alone. Be honest. Be direct. Say what you mean.
  • ‘Connect then redirect.’ Start with: “I know…” or “I can see you’re so mad that…”
  • “Waiting is really hard; I don’t like waiting either. I know you really wanted me to color with you. But sometimes we need to be flexible. I have to finish one job before I move on to the next.”
  • “Big problem or little problem? Every time I get mad, I ask myself this. Do you think wearing sunscreen was a big problem or little problem?”
• DO NOT IGNORE – There is a difference between ignoring and setting limits, and the focus should be on ‘How do I set appropriate limits and impart my values about how we treat one another?’
  • Ignoring teaches children: 1) An adult is not reliable when they need comfort and support, therefore the world is unsafe; and 2) They have no model for how to manage stress and emotions, therefore they remain stuck in an early phase of development.
  • Once a child is in the throes of a tantrum, it should be about comforting and calming the nervous system.
    • “I can see you’re getting upset. Let’s take a break and see if we can solve the problem.”
    • “You may tell me what you want, what you do not want, what you like and what you do not like. But you may not call me names.”
    • “In our family, we solve problems together. We have to tell each other what the problems are.”
• Set limits – Children need healthy limits and the knowledge that ultimately, adults are in charge. Provide limited options. Giving children too much power feels scary to them. All children test limits – this is normal. Choose where you will bend and why, and where you will not. De-escalation should happen before things get out of control.
  • Suggested phrases:
    • “You can do [this] or [that]. Which would you like to do?”
    • “First this, then…”
    • “Next time…”
    • “It’s not a choice.”
  • “I know it feels hard, but this is a time when grown-ups choose. Sometimes kids choose, sometimes grown-ups choose.”
  • “I know you wanted to…but in our family we do not yell at each other to get what we want. Next time you can…(give your child options).”
  • Focus on telling your child what they CAN do next time – build that tool box and teach them how to make a different choice next time.
• “Prepare → Provide hope → Say hard thing → Provide reassurance” Method
  • For example: “I’m going to tell you something that you are not going to like, but it is going to be OK. I promise we can find another way. I’m going to say ‘No’ to going swimming tomorrow, but I promise we can go swimming together soon. I know you’re disappointed, but today we’re going to meet friends in the park and have fun. When we get home we will make a plan for swimming.”
• Talk less – Children are not accessing higher thinking skills like language and reasoning during a tantrum. Keep your words simple. For example:
  • “You are upset. I will keep you safe.”
  • “When you’re calm, we’ll solve the problem together.”
  • “No hitting. No hurting. I am here if you need me.”
  • “It’s OK to be upset. You’ll be ready to talk soon.”
• Reconnect – Defiance is often a child’s way of saying, “I know the rules, but I’m upset and I don’t know how to express it, so I’m going to be as difficult as possible to get your attention.” Sometimes reconnecting may be enough to turn things around (make eye contact, give a tight hug, softly sing a song, play (pillow fight, wrestle, act out an exaggerated scene, etc.). Remind yourself that defiance often requires reconnection (vs. discipline).
  • “I know this feels like such a big problem right now and it’s important to you, but you can handle it and we’ll get through it.”
  • “We’ll work through this together.”
  • “Let’s be mad and sad together; let’s get it out. It feels so good to cry sometimes.”
• Support your child with self-soothing techniques – Belly breaths, take a break alone, use a soft toy or squeezy, listen to music, or draw a picture.  

Now, read more on what you could say during a tantrum.

*Note – We’ve tried our best to make our Tantrums series universal and inclusive. But understandably, parents want specific answers to their particular situation. Every child is different and needs different messages. Every parent needs to look at the part they play in the dynamic.

If a child is only throwing tantrums with one adult, then it is time to look at:

• Why the child does not have tantrums with other adults in that child’s life?
• How are the reactions different?
• What does the child get out of throwing a fit with one and not the other?