In the heat of an emotional meltdown, it’s hard to remember what to do. So we use *SKOR* for quick recall.
- Stay calm
- Keep it simple – talk less
- Offer a long, tight hug
- Reflect
Learn
Basic Concepts
- Meltdowns are challenging not only for the child experiencing them, but also for the adults who must endure them. It is normal to react strongly to a child’s struggle, but important to keep the focus on the child by remaining as calm as possible.
- Young children are learning to manage their emotions; until those emotions can be appropriately managed, expect to see behavior that clearly shows how upset your child is. This behavior is a communication tool; it’s telling you “I’m having big feelings and I don’t know how to handle them! I need help!”
- In the same way that you would help your child if they were physically injured, try to view your child’s emotional hurt through this lens. You would provide care and support if your child skinned their knee. You have the same job in the midst of a meltdown.
Just Remember
- Tantrums are normal!
- Tantrums are a communication tool – “I’m having big feelings and I don’t know how to handle them! I need help!!”
Do
Core Marbles
- Stay calm
- Keep it simple – talk less
- Offer a long, tight hug
- Reflect
4 Things to Try in the Midst of a Meltdown
- Stay calm – We know it’s hard, but it’s paramount to keep yourself in a grounded and calm space to be able to help your child.
- The whole oxygen mask concept and rule – apply your oxygen mask first, and then your child’s – is true for good reason. Staying calm maximizes your mental capacity (you literally have more oxygen) and creativity to help your child.
- Take deep breaths, repeat a mantra, count backwards from 10, or do whatever you can to get and stay calm. An added benefit of several deep, cleansing belly breaths is that you’re modeling an important calming strategy.
- Keep it simple. Talk less – There is not much that is going to penetrate your child’s brain in this state of distress, so limit your words to empathy and understanding. Validate their feelings.
- “I know you are really disappointed that you cannot see your friends today.”
- “You really don’t want to leave the park. You wish we could stay all day.”
- “You don’t want chicken for dinner; you want pasta. You’re really mad that we’re not having pasta.”
- Don’t explain or try to reason with your child; logic will not work in the midst of a meltdown. Acknowledging your child’s feelings can help tremendously – don’t underestimate the power in showing your child you understand how they’re feeling.
- Offer a long, tight hug – If your child will allow you, try a big, long hug. Hugging releases oxytocin, which lowers stress hormone levels, decreases heart rate, reduces blood pressure and improves mood. There is no magic pill for meltdowns, but hugging can be good medicine for a child in distress.
- Reflect – Meltdowns are a normal part of a child learning to handle big emotions; don’t punish your child for their inability to manage them.
- Allow your child to experience these intense feelings in a safe and supportive space without criticizing yourself for being permissive. Doing so will reinforce the trust and connection between you, and will help your child develop the ability to manage these big feelings successfully as they grow.
- Reframe meltdowns as a response to one or many stressors; try to identify them. Is your child hungry? Tired? Overstimulated? If you can identify the source of stress, you may be able to do something about it and head off a full-blown meltdown next time.
We have plenty of details on handling a tantrum, but in the heat of the moment, remember *SKOR*.
Bonus – Build Your Child’s Self-Awareness
Teach your child to be self-aware of how it physically feels *in their body* when they’re about to get mad, sad, anxious, etc. Let them know that understanding these physical cues is a good and healthy sign of feelings to come. And that letting a grown-up know when they start to *feel* these physical triggers can help make a tricky situation easier. For example:
- “My throat gets a big lump in it when I want to cry.”
- “My heart beats really fast when I feel scared.”
- “My brain feels like it’s full of butterflies when I’m so mad and I want to yell.”
Helping children learn how to take care of themselves (so that they can be the best learners and friends) is empowering and long-lasting.