Do

Sibling rivalry is natural and expected – it’s normal! (Here’s why.) How we handle it in the moment when emotions are running high can be tricky. It’s hard to find the words (3 Things to Say to Immediately Stop a Fight) and it’s hard to remain calm and collected. Here are some tangible strategies you can lean on for handling the most common sibling rivalry situations:

What You Could Do and Say

When One Child is Feeling Less Than the Other

• Try using phrases like, “You are the best You” to reinforce that everyone is unique in their own way, and that we’re each working on something different.
  • Seeing each child as an individual is crucial. Highlighting their unique strengths can help them remember those attributes in heated moments when they’re focused on their sibling’s superior skills in another area.
• If a child is feeling ‘lesser’ than their sibling because of an event or a specific success, include the sibling in the celebration and have them think of ways to celebrate their sibling. This way they are part of the success, rather than feeling jealous of the attention.
• Make Special Time a priority (if it isn’t yet). Commit to one-on-one time with each child regularly, even if it’s just 10 minutes.
  • Let them choose the activity, set a timer, and devote yourself to them (uninterrupted). This goes a long way in helping them feel connected to you and seen as unique individuals, which usually results in more cooperation and respect in the long run.

Ideas for Siblings to Learn to ‘Get Along’ (Should parents even try to force this?)

• It’s important to recognize that your children are individuals who have different wants, interests, desires and needs. When you fill those individual needs rather than focus on finding ways for them to play together, sibling dynamics can improve.
• Likewise, it’s also important to acknowledge that there are times when we don’t like each other and that’s OK. You can model how to be considerate, respectful and have healthy boundaries during those times.
• Although positive sibling relationships can’t be constructed or enforced, in general, there can be opportunities to set up positive engagement.
  • Build in family routines that facilitate connection. For example: cook a meal together, have a Family Freeze Dance Party, do a puzzle together, ask different family members to take turns choosing the after-dinner board game, etc.
    • Regardless of what works best for your family and how your family enjoys spending time together, the consistency of these routines and traditions intentionally: 1) shows how each person contributes towards a common goal; and 2) makes space for getting to know one another. All of that helps build connection.
• Consider playing cooperative board games that encourage players to work together toward a common goal. (In cooperative games, players have to support one another to either win the game together or lose together.)
  • Cooperative games can be a constructive way of teaching children how to cope with the experience of losing, by losing to achieve a common goal (vs. losing to a particular family member).

When There is Snarky Behavior from One Child to Another

• Reinforcing positive behavior is more effective than punishing bad behavior. Take the opportunity to highlight the next time one child says something nice about their sibling. This reinforces the behavior you want to see, rather than drawing attention to the behavior you want to diminish. For example:
  • “What a kind thing you said to your brother. Let’s write it down and put it in the Sibling Love Jar.”
  • “I just saw how very helpful you were to your sister. I’d like to reward you with a marble in the Marble Jar!”
• Model, model, model. We need to show our children what kindness looks like, sounds like and feels like.
  • If they see us treating our own siblings, partners and colleagues with kindness and respect, they’ll likely mirror that behavior. Conversely, if they hear us using snarky language, tone or behavior, they are more likely to mimic these.

Ideas for Establishing Peace in the Home (if you know they will compete at anything they can)

• Call out your limits and expectations for what kindness looks like, feels like and sounds like. Children thrive on predictability and routine, so knowing what to expect, and what is expected of them, can help things run more smoothly at home. For example:
  • Set your expectations for language and behavior at the dinner table, for hitting and for interrupting conversations. Consider adding these expectations to your Family Agreements.
  • Encourage your children to consider the impact of their words and to *THINK* before they speak.
• Praise your children when they’re getting along, and praise them when they’re independently playing. Continuing to reinforce that positive behavior will likely result in that repeated behavior.
  • Simple praise like, “I love the way you’re playing that game together,” or “Great job at finding something to do while I’m making dinner,” can go a long way.
  • It’s important that our children know that we see them when they’re doing something positive, not just when they’re doing something negative.

When Playing ‘Winning’ and ‘Losing’ Games

• Before you find yourself in the moment, consider talking through: 1) how to handle winning and losing; and 2) the feelings one might experience when they lose. This prepares your child to know that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose – and they can be ready for either. The set up is often key, and preparing children in advance of situations can be a very effective strategy.
• Practice role-playing how the ‘loser’ in a game can engage with the ‘winner’. For example, “You can congratulate them with a ‘Well done!’ or you could ask, “Can we rematch? Let’s play again!”
• Both winning and losing can bring up a swirl of emotions. In your support, focus on the feelings the child is experiencing.
  • For the child who loses, you could say for example, “I know it’s really frustrating to lose a game. Would you like to play again or move on to another activity?” This approach validates the child’s emotions rather than minimizes them, and shows them that you understand their experience.
    • If a child gets physically angry: Wait until things have calmed down, and then process the experience with your child and make a Next-Time Plan. This may be a sign that a child needs more practice with playing and losing, and developing coping skills with the unexpected and unplanned.
    • In the moment, you could say, “I can see that you’re so mad/sad that you didn’t win. Let’s first take five deep breaths (or count backwards: 5-4-3-2-1, and let out a big breath). Can I give you a hug?”
  • For the child who wins, you could say for example, “It’s so exciting when we win.” It’s also as important to recognize and validate the positive emotions of the child who wins. Downplaying the winner’s experience can cause more tension and competition.