The parent/caregiver-child separation process is often an emotional experience, and every child and family experiences it differently. Discover answers to commonly asked questions from an expert preschool teacher who has successfully supported parents and preschoolers for over a decade.
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General Do’s and Don’t’s of Saying Goodbye
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On Separation Struggles
What does it mean when my child is crying for me or screaming “Don’t go!” when I leave?
It means your child has a healthy attachment to you. It also means they trust you, and that is an important step in gaining your child’s trust when you signal to them that:
- School is a safe place;
- You have trust in the teacher;
- You are confident that your child can say goodbye;
- Grown-ups always come back.
When you leave, reassure them that you love them and that you/caregiver will always come back. Use photos or a family book as comforting visual support.
How long is it okay for my child to cry? What if they are still crying hours after drop-off?
Children express feelings in different ways. Some may express sadness, others anger. Expressing feelings by crying is entirely appropriate. The length of crying varies depending on the child and circumstances, including how long they have attended school and how many experiences with separation they have had.
If a child cries continuously for an hour, teachers typically call families and request shorter school days to start off. This can be helpful to slowly build trust with your child – their trust in the school, and their trust in you and the process. Many teachers may ask a parent or caregiver to spend time in the classroom with the child to ease the transition process and to signal that trust. (Unfortunately with restrictions due to the Covid-19 pandemic, families may no longer be allowed to spend time in the classroom.)
How will teachers help my child when they’re struggling with separation?
Teachers should have a plan to support children with separation, prior to a child demonstrating struggling separation behavior. You should feel comfortable to ask your teacher what this plan is prior to starting school. At many schools, teachers are prepared by providing visual supports that help a child to feel more connected to their home and the people they love. It is important that these comforting support tools feel real and tangible to the child. For example: photos of the child’s families laminated and available in their cubbies, on snack placemats, on walls, etc; a stuffed animal/lovey in their cubby from home; a family book.
On What to Do at School
What should I do at drop-off?
When the school year begins, try to build in time to enter the classroom and participate in an activity for the first two weeks; if you can spend 20 minutes in the classroom, this is beneficial for building trust.
Remember the trust sequence that relays your confidence: you + your child → you + school → your child + school.
- Let your child lead and choose the activity, then 5 minutes before you leave, let them know that your departure will occur. For example, “When we finish reading this book, I am going to leave”.
When it is time for you to leave, you should leave even if your child cries, as you are building trust with your words. Following through with your words is key.
- When you say you are going to leave and follow through with it, it signals to them the connection that when you say you will return, you will. It is reassuring for a child to know that they can depend on you to follow through with what you say. It can be very difficult to leave a crying child, but trust that they are in a safe environment and will be supported.
Note: Typically, families are asked to have a drop-off routine. Unfortunately with the restrictions of the Covid-19 pandemic, families may not be allowed in the classroom and school drop-offs may need to occur outside.
- If entering the school is not possible, develop a goodbye routine outside. e.g., sing a song or read a book, and remind your child that you love them and that “Grown-ups always come back”. These can be done in the car, on the bus or sitting outside of school.
What could a ‘goodbye routine’ look like when saying goodbye in the classroom?
Say goodbye with comfort and reassurance in mind: “I love you, and grown-ups always come back. If you are feeling sad, you can get your family photo and lovey. You can talk to your teacher who cares about you and wants to help”.
- “Grown-ups always come back” is the primary message your child needs to remember to ease the transition.
Sometimes parents find it helpful to put a little trinket, like a fabric heart or a small drawing, in the child’s pocket and one in their own to provide a tangible reminder of their love and connection. The child can touch it when they feel sad. Often just having it close by provides sufficient reassurance and comfort to a child.
What do I say and do if my child is screaming and I’ve already done the routine and it’s time for me to go (and I’ve told my child I’m going)?
It’s time to lovingly pass your child into the arms of the teacher that they most connect with. If possible, the teacher they request or who is available. Or, if they don’t want any teacher to hold them, then leave them on the floor and a teacher can help after you leave.
If your child is screaming or hitting, do not force your child off you in case it hurts them. Wait until they are a little calmer and then go. You can say, “I love you. Mommy/Daddy/caregiver will come back to pick you up soon. Grown-ups always come back”.
What should I do at school pick-up?
At pick-up, remind them with your words, “Grown-ups always come back!”
You could also play with them at school for 10 minutes to show them that you are invested in their school.
Spend time talking to them about their day by asking concrete questions that allows them to point to specific times in their day and on topics that are relevant to them: “What did you eat for a snack today? Did you play with fire trucks today? Tell me about the story you read at story time?”
On Preparing Your Child at Home
What words can I say at home to help my child be more comfortable and confident with going to preschool?
Predictability is key. The more your child knows about this new experience and what it involves, the better. Talk, write, draw, read about it and even act it out with their toys – help prepare them for this new transition by making it as familiar and comfortable. This will build security and confidence.
For example:
- “I know it’s hard to say goodbye. But your teachers will take good care of you. This school is a safe and happy place.”
- “It was hard for you to say goodbye today. But you did it! You can do hard things.”
- “I know it’s hard to say goodbye. But you are great at doing hard things!”
- “I know there are many new things about school. And it can feel scary. But I know you are brave and can try new things.”
- “Grown-ups always come back.”
- “I’ll see you soon [after lunch, when you’ve finished story time, after rest time, etc.].”
What activities can I do at home?
Write letters validating feelings and providing reminders:
- “We love you!”
- “Mommy/Daddy/caregiver always come back to take you home.”
- “You are safe. School will be new, but fun.”
- “You will make new friends and your teachers are excited and happy to play with you!”
- “You are growing so much and getting bigger each day. You are a big kid and big kids can go to school!
Activities and routines can help prepare and provide comfort:
- Use toys and engage in play that act out scenarios related to going school: drop-off, play, meeting new friends, going to the bathroom, eating lunch and snacks, circle time, nap, pick-up; incorporate routines and words you will actually use.
- Use dolls or stuffed toys to act out feelings. For example, have your child participate by asking them how they think Owl feels when they leave their Mommy. What can Owl do to help themself feel better? Offer tools for support in this play – i.e., ask your child to get your family photo, your family letter, etc.
- Read books about new school experiences, sing songs about family and school. Have fun and get creative!