Do

“I” messages help children assert their feelings and requests in a firm, yet fair, way. Frequently taught in schools as a way of encouraging peers to resolve conflicts independently, it can also work wonders at home with siblings and with grown-ups.

Basic Structure

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In Practice

• Example #1: Winnie is feeling hurt and left out when her friend Lizzy starts whispering and giggling with others in front of her.
  • Winnie: “I feel angry and sad when you whisper and giggle in front of me; I wonder if you’re talking about me. Please don’t do that.”
  • Lizzy: “I heard you say you felt sad and mad when I whispered and giggled to our friends in front of you. Next time, I will say things that are kind for everyone.”
• Example #2: Big brother Kasim is frustrated when his little sister Sylvie grabs a Magnatile out of his hand.
  • Kasim: “I feel mad when you grab the Magnatile out of my hand. Please ask me next time and don’t grab.”
  • Sylvie: “I heard you say you felt mad when I grabbed the Magnatile out of your hand. Next time, I will ask you for it instead of grabbing.”

Some Tips

Yes, this takes practice; yes, this may seem unnatural at first. But once it becomes routine, “I” messages are incredibly empowering for a child. Quick tips:

• Practice, practice, practice. Frequency = progress.
• When first using “I” messages, act it out while modeling the language.
• You may want to use sentence strips to post the exact language in a central place in your home.
  • A shy child will benefit from having specific words – a script – to use when experiencing conflict.
  • An impulsive child will benefit from the slowing down required to follow the steps above, potentially heading off a physical reaction.