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As your child matures, you might find they still need discipline but have outgrown some of the discipline strategies that worked when they were younger. This is a natural evolution and while our goals for discipline (instead of punishment) remain the same – to teach a child how to make good choices – as a child ages, they move into a different developmental phase and need a different approach.

Problematic Behaviors of Older Children

What ‘problematic behavior’ looks like will evolve as your child matures:

• Tantrums and outbursts will be less frequent, but lying and talking back may increase.
• Seemingly small things may trigger your child into an irritable mood or sulking.
• They may question your words or actions, challenging your role as an authority figure.
• They may argue against rules or look for ways to circumvent them.
• They may demonstrate know-it-all behavior, as their cognitive and reasoning skills develop.

In general, as a child seeks more independence and deepens their understanding of their place in a larger social environment, they may tend to push boundaries, experiment with language and behavior, and become more argumentative.

Developmental Needs of Older Children

Although developmental needs vary by child, generally, a maturing child:

• Has a need to feel connected to their parents (although they might not realize this), coupled with an even stronger need to be in control and to assert their autonomy through words and tone.
  • As children enter adolescence, there is a push-pull dynamic between child and parent – an appropriate pushing away by the child in an attempt to individuate, then often a return to seeking security from their parents. This can often result in a child feeling disconnected.
  • Children approaching adolescence crave autonomy. Establishing meaningful ways to provide them with opportunities to exercise positive power can help decrease the negative assertions of will and power.
• Is learning how to balance the experience of having strong emotions while also developing more rational ways of thinking.
  • Children develop strategies to keep their ‘thinking brain’ activated when emotions run high or when they get angry. As your child’s cognitive skills increase, the focus should be on developing their self-control and problem-solving skills.

Why Older Children Struggle and How to Determine the Cause

When a child struggles with behavior, tension around their developmental needs and their current context are often at the root. Look below the surface behavior and explore what might be causing your child to act this way. For example:

• A child may talk back as a way of trying to assert their independence or seek power, or they may be simply having a bad day.
• What sounds like defiance and disrespect may derive from hard-to-manage upset feelings, or a lack of skills in self-regulation or flexible thinking.

As difficult as it may be, try to emotionally remove yourself from the situation, avoid taking your child’s actions personally, and problem-solve for the root cause of what is going on.

Next: What You Could Do the next time you encounter problematic behavior.