Foundational skills for teaching your child to be more independent and to be in charge of themself and their learning. Create an action plan that breaks your child’s learning into chunks, scaffolds true independence and helps raise a capable, resilient and self-reliant child.
Learn
“I can do it myself!!” Most children crave independence at some point in their lives and developing independence is a necessary part of childhood. For parents specifically, it is important to:
- Consider your mindset around independence; and
- Help your child develop foundational skills that will set them up for successful experiences with gradually increasing independence.
Reframing the Mindset on the Importance of Independence
- There is a developmental need for independence, and it is a critical part of your child’s development. From a young age, your child will likely want to exercise power and control. (It is one of the reasons why transitions are so hard for children.)
- Independence for a child is not just about learning to do things by themself (i.e., working independently), it is also about learning to do things for themself (i.e., being in charge of their own learning, being mindful of their decisions and making thoughtful choices). This means seeing the world outside of themselves, while understanding their role in it.
- This simple analogy sums it up well: we cannot expect a child to be able to tie their shoelaces by themself if they have not worn laced shoes before, if someone else has been tying them, if they have not developed the motor skills to tie them, or if they have not had the practice of tying them. Similarly, we cannot expect a child to stop running with untied shoelaces if they do not understand why they need to tie them.
- Creating opportunities for independence requires your intentionality. Recognize that certain elements of creating opportunities for independence will likely create more work for you in the short-term and take longer than if you had done it yourself.
- The goal is for your child to have the experience of doing things by themself, not to do it perfectly. i.e., you may have to embrace the mess that inherently comes with progress. For example, a preschooler learning to pour their own drink will most definitely spill; a child who folds their own laundry will not fold it like you do.
- With practice (“Practice makes better!”) and regular experience, the benefits of your child’s sense of accomplishment and improved skill development will outweigh your short-term added work or time.
Why Building Independence is Important
- Being independent helps a child see themselves as valuable members of their community – family, school and beyond. A child’s identity and sense of self is strengthened when they have a stronger sense for their role in a larger social landscape.
- From independence grows competence, confidence and self-esteem, and that builds self-reliance.
- With more opportunities to exercise their independence, your child will increasingly see themself as competent and capable, which is incredibly empowering.
- It is key to remember that a child is very capable and often more capable than a grown-up may give them credit for. The more your child can be allowed and encouraged to use their abilities and the less you proactively step in, the more they understand, “I know you are capable of doing this.”
- When a grown-up over anticipates what a child needs – a concept commonly known as ‘learned helplessness’ – it signals to the child, “I do not have confidence in your ability to do this.”
- More opportunities for independence also mean more opportunities to try, make mistakes, fail and learn how to independently overcome challenges. This entire effort process helps to build your child’s self-confidence and self-esteem.
- With more opportunities to exercise their independence, your child will increasingly see themself as competent and capable, which is incredibly empowering.
- Experiences of independence introduce a certain level of uncertainty in a child’s decision-making, which is healthy for them to experience. It enables them to think critically about their choices and develop strategies and coping skills for the impact of their choices.
- When things are frequently done for a child or choices are made for them, it prevents a child from learning how to ‘think on their feet’ (i.e., reacting to events effectively and quickly without preparation) and from wanting to make decisions in difficult situations. It also prevents them from reflecting on and feeling the satisfaction of overcoming hard choices. Developing persistence, flexibility and the ability to tolerate frustration are all key life skills.
Independence → Competence + Confidence + Self-Esteem → Self-Reliance + Resilience
Foundational Skills to Support Your Child’s Increasing Independence
Your child may (adamantly!) want to do things by themself and for themself, but there are a number of foundational skills that will set them up for success. Developing these skills can help scaffold your child’s learning to be independent – it does not happen overnight. As you build your child’s independence, consider their ability in the following skills:
- Can follow verbal directions, even if it differs from what they want to do;
- Asks questions – has the skills to speak up and tell a grown-up when they need help;
- Follows-through on a task without being distracted;
- Can follow multi-step directions;
- Can organize personal belongings, objects, ideas or schedule;
- Can sequence their thoughts and prioritize their ideas – has a plan for what they want to do and how to do it;
- Has the mindset that mistakes are okay and necessary – knows that mistakes are how brains grow and learn new things; and
- Understands the super power of *yet* – knows how to tell themselves that they may not be able to do it yet, but can keep telling themself they can.
Just Remember
- Lean into the knowledge that your child has a developmental need for independence, and it is a critical part of their development.
- The desire for independence by a child is often motivated by the need to feel good about what they can learn to do even if it feels hard.
- Independence for a child is about learning to do things by themself (i.e., working independently) and for themself (i.e., being in charge of their own learning, making thoughtful choices and being mindful of their decisions).
- It is healthy for a child to experience a certain level of uncertainty in decision-making that comes with being independent.
Do
A Roadmap for Building Your Child’s Independence
How much independence a child is given by what age differs across family values, personal circumstances, cultures and developmental ages. For example, there is no universal rule for at what age a child can be left at home alone, use a child-friendly knife to help with mealtime or be able to walk to school alone. Building foundational skills and safety knowledge will help you determine when your child is ready for different levels of independence. You know your child best – assume that they will try their best, trust in their capability and let them guide you on what they can or do not feel comfortable handling. Consider implementing this roadmap as your action plan with them.
Core Marbles
- Create opportunities for scaffolded true independence, like consistent chores.
- Teach your child to be in charge of themself – Establish routines that create healthy habits.
- Teach your child to be in charge of their own learning and school life.
- Give your child limited choices – Try an allowance system.
- Build in time for unstructured free play (preferably outside).
- Teach your child about personal safety.
- Praise your child for taking the initiative to do things by themself and for themself.
- Create opportunities for scaffolded true independence – Consider reasonable opportunities for independence that fit seamlessly into your day, and that break your child’s learning into chunks so it is easier to master (i.e., routine small jobs that your child needs to complete and be responsible for). It is not just about giving your child a chore – it is more about the act of having a contribution to a larger social landscape, and opportunities for your child to feel responsible for doing that job and doing it well (according to their standards). Children intuitively enjoy helping and contributing to their family and community in real ways.
- Include consistent chores along with other meaningful tasks, such as pouring their own drink, cleaning up the kitchen, taking the dog for a walk around the block, getting mail from the mailbox, etc. If your child is capable of doing something on their own, limit the amount of times you take over and let them own the task.
- Consider using items that will allow your child to exercise more autonomy. For example, use unbreakable plates, child-sized cups, child-friendly knives and step stools to allow your child to meaningfully participate in mealtime. (See Learning Tools for ideas.)
- Think about household adjustments; look for opportunities to make things child-friendly that will enable them to show increased independence. For example:
- Can you move the coat and towel hooks lower so your child can reach them?
- Can they easily access supply and toy bins for easy clean-up? Are there designated spaces for items?
- Can a lower cabinet be designated for tableware?
- Can the snacks and foods that are appropriate for them to eat be placed on lower shelves so they can help prepare their own meals?
- If you are having a family-style meal, can your child serve themself? (Tongs are especially helpful and fun.)
- Can they cut up their own food?
- Can they safely reach the water gauge to give themself a shower/bath?
- Practice tasks with multi-step directions. Even if it feels hard for them, let the struggle happen before stepping in.
- Simple ideas to scaffold this: introduce learning rules to more difficult family games or add more ‘must-do’s’ to family routines.
- Consider giving your child responsibility for living things where they can observe their impact. For example, growing herbs, tending to a garden or having responsibility for growing butterflies are fun, simple options. (See Learning Tools for ideas.)
- Include consistent chores along with other meaningful tasks, such as pouring their own drink, cleaning up the kitchen, taking the dog for a walk around the block, getting mail from the mailbox, etc. If your child is capable of doing something on their own, limit the amount of times you take over and let them own the task.
- Teach your child to be in charge of themself, including respect for their personal space and hygiene – This could include getting dressed, brushing teeth, tying shoes, folding their clothes and knowing their attire for the day (e.g., jacket, hat, sunglasses, sunscreen, etc.).
- Establish routines that create healthy habits – Knowing routines (what to expect and when to expect it) can free up your child’s brain for decision-making. When your child knows what comes next, they are able to anticipate it and exercise their autonomy.
- For example, when your child gets ready to leave their class to go home, after putting on their backpack, they should look at what is in their cubby and their coat hook to critically think “Do I have everything I came to school with?”; before leaving the house for school, your child should put on their socks, then shoes and look at what is in their backpack to critically think “What do I need to be successful at school today?” (the answer can be as simple as a water bottle, lunch or certain books/supplies).
- Establish routines that create healthy habits – Knowing routines (what to expect and when to expect it) can free up your child’s brain for decision-making. When your child knows what comes next, they are able to anticipate it and exercise their autonomy.
- Teach your child to be in charge of their learning and school life – This means being responsible for their school materials and packing their own backpack, including books and homework and being ready for their school day, knowing transportation plans, knowing if anything is happening after school, etc.
- Give your child limited choices – Choices are helpful to provide your child with an opportunity to use their voice and decision-making skills. A significant portion of a child’s day often does not involve active choices, so intentionally finding moments to give your child practice with the concept of decision-making is important – the process of how to consider various options and making a choice.
- For example, allow your child to choose their outfit for the day, choose their own snack, decide what book to read at bedtime, etc.
- Encourage your child to practice setting financial goals through an allowance system. This is a tangible way for them to showcase their decision-making.
- Build in time for unstructured free play (preferably outside), which encourages independence and resilience – Free play provides the opportunity for your child to make their own plans, decisions, and generally exercise more control over their choices versus a scheduled, directed activity. As a bonus, research shows that children who engage in fewer structured activities have higher levels of executive functioning.
- If your child is newer to independent play, do not be afraid to let them experience feelings of boredom.
- Teach your child about personal safety – Data shows that children are safer today than ever, yet the media often sensationalizes events that can cause irrational fear for children’s safety. Teach your child developmentally-appropriate personal safety skills and allow them to practice these skills. Skills to develop should include knowing:
- One’s full name and birthday.
- Parents’ full names.
- One’s address and parents’ phone number.
- Stopping at corners, looking before crossing the street (on foot, scooter or bike) and other street safety guidelines.
- Etiquette around meeting/greeting strangers when there are no parent prompts.
- Basic safety rules and solutions (i.e., In the event of a fire or earthquake, does your child know what to do? Does your child know how to call for help if someone is hurt?).
- Self-help skills and personal hygiene (i.e., use the bathroom independently, use a tissue for nose-wiping, always wash hands after, eat meals/snacks in a somewhat orderly way, etc.).
- “No” means no, as it is connected to their own body.
- Praise your child for taking the initiative to do things by themself and for themself – The more you actively notice and praise your child for thinking independently, the stronger their competence and confidence will grow, and the more your family will appreciate just how many ways there are for your child to practice their independence. With increasing practice and confidence, your child’s capabilities and executive functioning skills will save you time and effort.
- Try making ‘initiative’ a Marble Jar word and see how it can transform your child’s positive behavior.