Concrete steps to help identify why your maturing child may be using disrespectful language or tone of voice and how to effectively respond to it – in the heat of the moment.
Learn
Basic Concepts
As your child matures, you may experience increasing defiance, even perhaps a sharpness in their tone of voice or a pointed meanness, more so than any earlier talking back. This is normal behavior, as frustrating as it may be to hear on the receiving end. Yet, when a child speaks using a disrespectful tone or language, it is often a sign that they are struggling and need support. Knowing this at the outset can help you craft a response that will address the core issue, instead of reacting to your child’s tone and words. (More below on *responding* vs. reacting.)
When you take the time to respond intentionally and teach your child the interpersonal skills around language and tone of voice, you are also teaching them important relational skills they will rely on for life.
Note: when discussing the subject of language and tone of voice, we also include ‘talking back’. Whether your child initiates conversation or responds to you using a rude tone, your approach in responding to them should be the same.
Why It Happens
- Communicating a need – When an older child speaks using disrespectful words or tone of voice, they are often communicating to us that they need help. A happy, connected, regulated child does not generally demonstrate this type of behavior when all is well. Being tired, hungry, frustrated, sad, powerless (not in control) or feeling disconnected can all result in a child using rude language or tone, or both.
- In this way, the words and tone are a symptom of a larger problem and we must work to identify the root problem.
- Be a detective and see if you can track when your child is most likely to show this negative behavior. Then, address the root problem first.
- In this way, the words and tone are a symptom of a larger problem and we must work to identify the root problem.
- Lack of awareness – A child is not always aware of the impact of their words or of the concept of ‘tone’ of voice. Some children need more explicit conversation in order to build awareness that *how* we say something is as important as *what* we say. We can separate the words said (the what) from the tone used (the how) in our explanation to them because both matter:
- Neutral words + rude tone = rude
- Rude words + neutral tone = rude
- Rude words + rude tone = double rude!
When it comes to *how* we speak, it is important that a child understands that both words and tone matter.
This means you may need to help your child understand inflection.
- Point out inflection – This can help your child develop a practical understanding for how delivery and word choice are both important. Teach your child that the meaning of what they say depends on factors like speed, volume and emphasis.
- For example, if one walks into a large, child-created mess and asks, “What happened?” with curt, loud and fast speech, it is very different from asking the same question with a quiet, calm and slow approach.
- Using puppets and role-play are particularly effective for showing a child the impact inflection can have.
Do
Core Marbles
- Breathe deeply and stay *lovingly detached*
- *Respond* – Do not ignore, do not react
- Empathize
- Set a limit
- Offer a chance to Stop → Think → Redo
Your In-the-Moment Guide to Respond
- Breathe deeply and stay *lovingly detached*. It can be triggering to a grown-up to hear a child using disrespectful words or tone. Remind yourself that it likely comes from their frustration, immaturity or lack of awareness. Focus on trying to identify the root cause. This is about their struggle; not a personal affront to you.
- *Respond* – Do not ignore, do not react. Ignoring a child who is speaking with disrespectful words or tone of voice will likely result in quickly escalating a situation. Responding relatively quickly will result in a more calm response (vs. reacting after hearing it repeatedly and becoming increasingly frustrated by your child).
- For example, “I can’t let you use such hurtful words in our home.” or “I don’t appreciate what you just said to me and how you said it.” or “I know you’re upset right now because you don’t normally speak in such an unkind way. Can I help you with something?”
- Respond vs. react – A response is done with reasoning in mind and takes into account the desired outcome; a reaction is an emotional impulse. For example, a response could be, “I can see that you don’t like my answer.” A reaction could be mimicking your child’s disrespective tone so that they hear how it sounds on the receiving end. (Note: Try to avoid this mimicry as it is often not an effective way for a child to grasp the concept of ‘rudeness’, which can sometimes be abstract for a child. Instead, be as concrete as possible in your response.)
- Empathize. It is important to acknowledge your child’s uncomfortable feelings, even if you do not know exactly what they are. For example, you could say, “It sounds like you’re frustrated.” or “It seems like you’re upset.” Try brainstorming ‘helpful’ vs. ‘hurtful’ words with them that they could use.
- Your child needs your support to help with whatever issue they are facing (vs. a judgement on how they may be rudely reacting to their feelings).
- Your expression of empathy says to your child, “I hear you. I see you. I know this feels hard for you.” It does not mean that you are accepting or condoning the disrespectful words or tone they are using.
It is possible to respond with empathy and support *and* set a limit.
- Set a limit. All feelings are welcome, but hurtful words or a disrespectful tone are not. Setting a limit is a chance to: 1) reinforce your family’s expectations around respectful tone and language; and 2) clarify what is unacceptable behavior in your home. Children feel safest when they know there are limits and understand what is expected of them.
- You could say, “I will not let you talk to me like that. In our family we speak with a respectful tone.” or “We use kind words. I like it better when you ask me for something using helpful words.”
- For children who may still be unclear with what is ‘rude’, it can be helpful to provide concrete details. For example, “Let’s try that again. I don’t like it when you say, ‘Read to me now.’ That is rude. If you would like me to read to you, you could ask, ‘Please, can you read to me?’
- If you express the words you would like to hear and your child still does not use them, you could say, “I can help you when you’re ready to ask me more kindly.”
- Once you have set the limit, stick to the limit. This is critical for signaling to your child that you mean what you say, things are under control and they can trust your words.
- When you stick to the limit, you are modeling to your child that you are confident that they can use a more productive way of speaking.
- Offer a chance to re-do. Try the Stop → Think → Redo method. Making mistakes is how we learn to make a better choice next time with our words and tone of voice.
Other Things You Can Do
- ‘Special Time.’ The single most effective way for parents to achieve family peacefulness is to establish Special Time with each child – one-on-one time with no distractions – even just 10 minutes daily. Special Time creates connection and connected children are more likely to cooperate and use their coping skills when things feel hard for them. Simply play next to your child and let them direct the play and conversation.
- Note: Avoid asking your child questions during this Special Time or directing their play – just relish in joining your child’s world and their choices.
- Model, model, model. You are your child’s primary influence and your child is looking to you for cues. Knowing what disrespectful words or tone of voice to use may be abstract to a child, so they will often look to their grown-ups as a baseline for what to do and how to do it. Pay particular attention to your own tone, especially when you are tired or hungry as these are similar triggers for a child and ‘tone’ is a less tangible concept for a child to grasp.
- Be aware of the media your child is consuming. Be mindful of what your child is hearing, reading and generally being exposed to. Children often mirror what they hear and can experiment with language and tone of voice without understanding the grown-up meaning or impact.
- Try humor. Sometimes, if you can break the tension and reconnect with your child in a playful way, it can be an effective strategy to adjust the course of the conversation. For example, “Woah! How did you just roll your eyes like that? I didn’t know eyes could even roll like that!”
- Note: Some children respond well to humor, others feel as though they are not being taken seriously. You know your child best; consider your child and what approach works best for them.