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Why Does It Happen?

Sibling rivalry is normal, and most siblings will experience some level of rivalry with one another. For the most part, it’s developmentally important for children to learn some of this experientially in their relationships with one another. Often the rivalry stems from any combination of a:

• Bid for grown-up’s attention; and/or
• Drive for children to individuate from one another as they begin to form their own identities.

Layer these with: 1) What a child believes to be fair and equal, and how that plays into their perception of their sibling’s treatment vs. their own; and 2) the inherent differences between siblings, and how the grown-ups in their lives respond to those differences, you get a fiery concoction of sibling rivalry and competition.

What is ‘Normal’?

Like many things in life, a certain amount of competition is considered ‘normal’ and typical, but sometimes sibling relationships can become overly competitive. When assessing where that line might be, consider the following.

• Is daily functioning being impacted?
• Is anyone in physical danger?
• Is the emotional well-being or self-esteem of any individual in the family being harmed?
• Is one sibling consistently taking the role of ‘aggressor’?
• Is my relationship with either child or my partner being negatively impacted by the rivalry?

If you find yourself saying “Yes” to any of these questions, consulting with a professional therapist or clinical psychologist can help.

Some Helpful Tips

On Sibling Fights

• In many cases, it’s prudent to p-a-u-s-e before intervening. It allows children to develop important problem-solving skills and to find creative ways of working things out that, with grown-up intervention too early, would prohibit social and emotional learning. Not every behavior between siblings needs to be attended to.
• However, if behaviors are escalating or becoming aggressive, step in to ensure physical and emotional safety. The priority should always be safety, but try not to solve their problems for them.
  • If you choose to intervene, do so in a calm and collected manner. This makes room for all the emotions that are bubbling up, validates their feelings, and allows you to take a directive role.
• Have an open dialogue with your children during a moment of calm (not in a moment of conflict). Sharing your expectations before a conflict helps set limits between siblings, and is a helpful preventative strategy. For example:
  • “Sometimes families get into arguments and disagreements. That’s normal and expected. How we handle it is what matters. I trust you to resolve the problems that come up between you. But, if at any time you’re using your hands on each other, hurting each other’s bodies, throwing things, etc. (parents need to describe specific behaviors), I will intervene. What do you think our plan should be during those times?”
  • When you enlist your child in problem-solving, it will more likely result in their buy-in and agreement in following through with the plan. Together, you’re on Team Family.
  • Acknowledge their ideas and input, but be clear that you are the decision-maker. For example, “Great suggestions! We can use some of those, and I think it’s a good idea to have designated spaces in the home (a Cozy Corner or Helper Green Basket) where everyone goes to take time to calm their emotions before coming together again.”

On Modeling

• Show your children *how* to healthily communicate through conflict and disagreements – describe what that communication looks like, sounds like and feels like.
  • When a child is experiencing challenging behavior, they are looking to our response for how to be – how to be mad, how to be frustrated, how to be disappointed – how to have many feelings at the same time – and then, how to move through them. We need to show them how to productively expressly these feelings.
• Two tangible strategies you could use at home: 1) Use an “I” message yourself when you find yourself needing to constructively express your feelings; 2) Use the “Wheel of Choices” when you find yourself conflicted with independent problem-solving, and articulate your process out loud for your children to hear and see how you do it.

Should parents force siblings to ‘get along’? What do you do and say when siblings are constantly competing with each other? Next, read our concrete scripts, tools and strategies to help bring ‘peace’ into your home.