For many children, kindness needs to be explicitly taught. Parents and teachers only need a few prompts to help their children to promote kindness. Here’s 10 simple ways from a teacher, based on decades of teaching experience and from the perspective of how children learn.
Learn
Parents are often surprised to learn that being kind needs to be explicitly taught. Kindness is a part of all of us, and for some children it comes naturally, but for many, it’s a learned skill. Yet, when we’re supporting a child to navigate tricky social behavior, whether it be playground antics, friendship issues, group dynamics, disruptive class learning or sibling needling, it often starts with kindness. Kindness is a choice, and sometimes, we need to call that out for a child so that the feeling of being kind becomes habit.
In any given day, our actions are made up of a series of small choices. We get to actively choose kindness in each of these choices; we get to choose how we participate in our community and how we impact those around us. The same applies for children. When we teach our children to choose kindness, we not only raise children to be caretakers of themselves, but also of their learning communities and of our Earth.
-Jan Bird, Teacher + Parent
Do
Core Marbles
- Talk about what kindness looks like, feels like and sounds like
- Model, model, model
- Teach your child how they can be kind to themself
- Ask: “How were you kind today?” or “What did you see that was kind today?”
- Explicitly teach that there are many ways to be kind
- Ask your child, “Are you being your kindest self right now?”
- Create a ‘Put-up’ Jar
- Teach your child *THINK*
- Brainstorm a list of kind words vs. hurtful words with your child
- Teach your child “I” messages and empower them to set their own boundaries
10 Ways to Bring Kindness into Your Home
- Talk about what kindness looks like, feels like and sounds like. Be explicit. Name it. Then, set your limits and expectations for kindness.
- For example, if there is bickering at the dining table, call out your limits and expectations for what kindness looks like, feels like and sounds like. “Whoa, redo! I just heard something that was unkind. Look at ___’s face; they look really sad.” Or, “That was a hurtful thing you just said. You can take a break and come back to the table when you’re ready to use kind words.”
- Model, model, model.
- Share with your child how you are kind on any given day; describe what it feels like for you and what you see in the people that are impacted (their facial expressions, their body language, their words, etc.).
- Name kind acts in front of your child when you see them happening.
- Teach your child how they can be kind to themself. (When we’re kind with ourselves first, we’re more apt to be kind to others.)
- For example, as Jan shared: “One of my students said, ‘I can remind myself that I am generous with my heart.’ The next step is to encourage that child to name what it looks like when she shows that generosity.”
- To teach that same lesson of self-love, invite your child to make a list of kind words that they can say to themself. Put the list in a high-traffic area (a simple Post-It note on their desk works great, too) that can mindfully serve as a daily dose of encouragement. When your child shows that kind act, empower them to proudly name it.
- “How were you kind today?” or “What did you see that was kind today?” Consider asking these questions routinely and make them part of your dinner, commute or bed time banter.
- There are kind acts for our learning communities, for our family, for our neighborhoods and for the world. By simply adapting the question to, “How were you kind to the Earth today?” prompts the call to environmental stewardship.
- Explicitly teach that there are many ways to be kind. (Children are concrete thinkers. For many children, the concept of ‘kindness’ is abstract.)
- For younger children, for example:
- “Show you care” – Draw a picture, make a card, sing a song, tell a joke, make a Super Hero badge, ask questions about your friend’s day.
- “Show empathy” – Help a friend when you see they’re working hard on something that is tricky for them.
- “Play nicely” – Invite a friend to join in play, take turns, respect their space bubbles, listen when they say “No”, notice when their face looks sad, mad or uncomfortable, use kind words, don’t hurt their bodies, etc.
- For young school-aged children, for example:
- Go with a friend to ask for help
- Help a friend do something
- Be a listener
- Look in a person’s eyes when you say, “Hello,” “Good morning,” “Good bye,” “Thank you,” etc.
- Come up with a solution together that works for both of you
- Do something for a friend proactively without them asking, so they’re not doing the thinking for you
- Set your boundaries – about your feelings or personal space
- For younger children, for example:
- Ask your child, “Are you being your kindest self right now?”
- If they answer “Yes,” go further and invite them to name their kind act; if they answer “No,” offer suggestions to boost kind acts.
- Create a ‘Put-up’ Jar (a fabulous mash-up between a Marble Jar and a Sibling Love Jar)
- When a child sees another child do a kind act, that child awards the kind child with a marble to ‘plinkit’ into the Marble Jar. (Enjoy that joyful, brain-connection ‘plinkit’ sound of a marble dropping in!)
- Celebrate a filled jar of ‘put-ups’ with a feel-good family experience – popcorn and movie night, dance party, a board game for breakfast, etc.
- Teach your child *THINK* – a simple mnemonic to remind your child of the impact of their words. Is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary or Kind?
- If the answer is “No” to any combination of the above, teach your child to wonder, “Then, why say it?”
- Brainstorm a list of kind words vs. hurtful words with your child. Ask your child where they could post this list as a reminder.
- Then, if you hear any hurtful words, encourage your child to “Stop, Think, Re-do!” and use the list as a re-do prompt.
- Teach your child “I” messages and empower them to set their own boundaries.
- It’s important for a child to be able to accept and give feedback about what is meaningful to them.