Learn

Common and Developmentally Normal

• Imaginary friends are common and developmentally normal for children, especially between ages 3 to 11.
• According to Dr. Stephanie Carlson, professor at The University of Minnesota’s Institute of Child Development and author of a 2004 study on the topic, 65% of children will have an imaginary friend by age 7.
  • According to the study, children most likely to have imaginary friends are the eldest, are only children, or those with less screen time. That unstructured time gives children the space to invent imagined friends.
• Adolescents who are socially competent and especially creative also enjoy imagined friends.
  • These ‘friends’ are not substitutes for relationships with real people – they live more in the realm of ‘fantasy.’ For example, it is similar in the way that adult fiction writers often talk about how their characters take on a life of their own, how they ‘write themselves.’
• The presence of imaginary friends can last well into middle childhood and beyond.
  • For example, even 8-year-olds love stuffed animals – and that’s wonderfully positive. When my 8-year-old invites his friends for a sleepover, they always bring a stuffie. Although this age is often about flexing developing egos, the boys bring their stuffie ‘friends’ to our house, introduce me to them, and hold them tight at bedtime.

Reasons Why a Child May Have an Imaginary Friend

A child’s imaginary friend can be a big part of their social and emotional growth.

Social and Emotional Development

• Theory of Mind is a concept describing the interpersonal awareness that children develop by age 5. This insight helps children understand that others have beliefs, desires, and urges that are different from their own. It’s the idea that one’s self is separate, distinct, and different from every other person.
• Theory of Mind is linked to important social skills:
  • Sharing
  • Negotiating
  • Assertive communication
  • Generosity
  • Compassion

A Tremendous Source of Comfort

• An important source of comfort.
  • Playing out situations with imaginary friends can offer control that is not always possible in real-life scenarios. Acting out situations with imaginary friends may help a child manage big emotions in a healthy way.
• An important part of healing.
  • For many children, acting out an imagined loss is helpful. It is their process for communicating their understanding of what is happening in the world around them.
  • For example, child therapist Judi Lang, LCSWS, at Therapy Lab Kids recounts a time when a family member passed and her young daughter reported that her imaginary friend had also died. Although the imaginary friend eventually came back to life, acting out the loss was helpful.

On ‘Invisible’ Friends

• There is little psychological difference between an ‘invisible’ friend and an imaginary friend as a stuffed animal or doll.
  • In the same way that some people like chocolate ice cream while others like vanilla, or that some children like crayons while others prefer paint, ‘invisible’ vs. a stuffed animal or doll are different ways of expressing the same urge for a child.
• Having an invisible friend and playing actively with them is developmentally normal for a young child (e.g., chatting with them, making an extra place-setting at the table, believing they’re sitting next to them at school, etc.) – except when the behaviors create social problems.
  • If others are perceiving the behavior as odd and your child becomes alienated, consider exploring your child’s motivations. You may want to investigate if this a self-awareness problem or related to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
    • If it’s a matter of social skills, being direct and concrete works best. For example, if your child is becoming isolated, you could say, “Let’s leave your imaginary friend at home today because they make some of your friends at school feel uncomfortable. I know you’ve been really wanting to have more friends at school. I think this will work!”
    • If it’s OCD, then seek exposure therapy to help your child get comfortable with independence from the invisible friend.
  • If your child is feeling uncomfortable with a classmate’s invisible friend, try responding with curiosity and exploring why your child is feeling this way.
    • For example, if your child says, “Glenda is weird. She has an invisible friend and she talks to her all the time at school,” lean in and get interested with a follow-up question. Encourage and model open-mindedness and avoid judging or criticizing the other child.

Should I Be Concerned?

Some caregivers might worry that a child creates an imaginary friend to deal with loneliness or social problems. This is not usually the case! Children almost always know that their imaginary friends are not real, despite the strong attachment to them. However,

• On rare occasions, a child may report hearing voices or seeing imaginary friends who are not there. If you notice that your child’s reports are accompanied by fear or distress, you may want to seek consultation to understand the situation better.
• If an imaginary friend creates significant distress for a child (perhaps by triggering ‘demands’ or negative talk), this could be related to OCD. In this case, you should seek more consultation and support.

Will It Go Away?

All children are different. Some may never create an imaginary friend, but many will. Some may outgrow their ‘friends,’ and others may still think of these imaginary relationships but in a way that moves along with the developmental stage. The imaginary characters may stick around through adulthood, whether in fantasy, fiction, or an inner voice.