Do

When your child makes a poor choice and discipline is needed, the basic tenet of discipline remains – to teach your child that there is a better choice and to equip them with the skills to make that better choice next time (i.e., not punishment). However as your child matures beyond logical consequences, they will move into a different developmental phase and will need new discipline strategies. While there are some key in-the-moment concepts to consider when disciplining your child there are also several foundational steps you can implement before getting to that tipping point when discipline is required. Being proactive about these fundamentals can make it easier to withstand behavioral storms.

Key Foundational Steps

• Increase your listening – When a child is struggling with behavior, remember the iceberg analogy: instead of addressing the behavior you’re seeing, try engaging in a conversation that uncovers their feelings to discover what may be causing them to act in the way they’re behaving.
  • When you engage in conversation with your child, you are communicating your care and concern, and your understanding of their reality and its challenges.
    • By problem-solving *with* your child, you will be appealing to their ‘thinking brain’, be more effective at shaping their future behavior and ultimately, teach them to self-identify their feelings and create coping strategies.

• The simple act of asking your child this question when they start talking can help them see not only how much you care, but also give them a sense of control over their choices.
  • Caregivers are often quick to provide feedback or jump into problem-solving mode, so this helpful strategy serves as a clarification to yourself of what your child needs.
• Connection, connection, connection – When your child is pushing your buttons, showing defiance and disrespect, your child may actually need closeness and a connection with you.
  • Consider building in 1:1 Special Time to re-establish connection. Your child will feel seen and heard and this will make it more likely for your child to communicate respectfully. It will also give you an opportunity to investigate what may be underlying their defiant behavior and get at the root cause of what is truly upsetting them.
• Continue to focus on emotional literacy – Ongoing conversations about emotions is critical, specifically how to identify them, how they feel, and how to handle them.
  • For feelings like anxiety and anger, your child needs reassurance that feeling all feelings are healthy and OK, and that there are strategies to move through and cope with their discomfort.
• Be proactive about expectations and structures – From time to time, it’s helpful to talk about family expectations and routines. As your child matures, engaging in discussions about the purpose of your family agreements and allowing your child to have a voice in revising them will increase their buy-in.
  • Set up a system for family meetings to discuss what is working well and what needs to be changed. (e.g., plan a family meeting at the beginning of each month, check-in on routine and transition flows during dinner conversations each week, etc.)
  • Creating the habit and consistency of checking-in on family expectations and routines is good practice for engaging children in something bigger than themselves and showing them you value and respect their ideas and contribution.
• Provide opportunities for independence, power and voice – As your child matures, they will need developmentally-appropriate ways to assert their independence and autonomy, in addition to regular responsibilities like chores.
  • Spend some time brainstorming together how your child can exercise more independence. (e.g., walking to school or to their friend’s homes, knowing when to finish bedtime reading, getting their backpack ready for school and extracurricular activities, etc.)
    • When your child is involved in creating these opportunities, they can better understand their impact if a family agreement is broken and why a logical consequence is implemented.
    • For example, “When you break our family agreement about using screens, it means I can’t trust you right now. So you won’t be able to walk to Lola’s house to play by yourself until you’ve regained my trust.”
  • Actively ask for your child’s thoughts on everyday topics. Helping your child see that they have power and voice in routine ways reminds them that their choices have an impact on their broader community.
    • For example, “Music or no music?” on the car ride home, “What shall we have for dinner?”, or “I was just reading about a global climate change summit. Imagine if you could speak at it…what would you want to say?”