Do

When you encounter problematic behavior with your child, an immediate reaction may be to want to “teach your child a lesson”, but there is no one-size-fits-all response. (For example, a child who talks back may be feeling disconnected or may be seeking power, and without context, a quick-fix solution would only address the surface behavior.) Instead of seeking a one-size-fits-all response, consider these series of key concepts when disciplining your child.

Strategies when Disciplining Your Child

• What’s the goal? – Think about the behavior you’re seeing in your child and consider its root cause. The more you understand where the behavior is coming from, the more targeted your approach can be.
  • For example, a child using a rude tone or disrespectful language is communicating something and you will need to investigate what that is. ‘Being rude’ is likely just a symptom.
• Keep yourself grounded and lovingly detached – It is easy to get triggered by a child’s behavior, but having strategies to keep yourself calm and in a place to respond vs. react is key.
  • Vocalize your strategies out loud so your child can see you model the very behavior you are seeking from them.
    • For example, “I’m feeling really angry with how rudely you’re speaking to me right now. I’m going to take a minute and do some deep breathing and then I’ll come back and we can talk.”
  • Avoid taking things personally and absorbing your child’s mood or behavior, as difficult as it may be to do so sometimes.
• Focus on connection, collaboration and cooperation (instead of compliance and control or punishment)
  • Your strategies can be more effective in the long-term when they draw your child in as a partner in problem-solving (vs. imposed in an authoritarian, top-down way).
    • This method recognizes your child’s growing developmental needs for autonomy and voice; it is not permissive parenting.
  • When you notice your child is struggling with listening and following directions, try approaching them with a tone of curiosity. For example, “I’m noticing that when I ask you to come to the table for dinner, you don’t come the first time I ask. How can we make this work better? What’s going on?” (instead of, “No dessert tonight. I had to ask you to come to the table three times.”)
    • There are many possibilities for why a child may not respond when asked the first time: Perhaps they’re engrossed in what they’re doing and did not hear you? Perhaps they’re not hungry? Perhaps they heard you, but didn’t have the self-control skills yet to stop what they’re doing?
    • Engaging your child in a conversation and troubleshooting the situation will sustain your connection, empower them to collaborate, and avoid unnecessary and ineffective power struggles.
• Provide opportunities for quick corrections – Children who are emotional often react without thinking. Providing chances for “Stop, Think, Re-Do” can be a quick and effective way of getting your child back on track.
  • For example, if your child speaks rudely to you, you could say in a neutral tone, “Let’s try that again, please.” The repetition of this quick and easy prompt can bring awareness to your child and help the situation from devolving further.
• Appreciate apologies – When your child has made a mistake and takes accountability by apologizing, resist the urge to teach and simply respond, “Thank you for the apology.” This makes it more likely for your child to apologize in the future because they know their apology does not result in shame or moralizing.
  • Independently-initiated apologies are an important part of children becoming accountable for their words and actions.
  • Avoid forcing an apology. When a child is asked or forced to say “I’m sorry” before they’re truly remorseful is not constructive.
    • Research shows that it’s more beneficial to teach your child to have empathy than coercing a reluctant “I’m sorry”.
• Consider earned privileges – What parts of your child’s life are considered privileges? Think about how you can leverage these elements to create a system of earned privileges that can also be withdrawn, if necessary.
  • For example: How and why do they regularly receive screen time? Which daily routines do they have the privilege and ability to do independently? (e.g., go to the park with their friends, ride their bike, walk to school, reading before bedtime, etc.)
• Create task-based consequences – As your child matures, it’s helpful to make logical consequences task-based when possible, with success resulting in regaining their earned privilege.
  • For example, if your child is at a friend’s house at a playdate and promises to be home by 6:00pm but comes home 20 minutes late, the logical consequence could be that they must be home by 5:00pm next time. When they successfully do this several times, their return time can shift back to 6:00pm.
    • This logical consequence is both related to the root-cause behavior and skill-building. First, it teaches the child to be aware of and manage their time, and to uphold an expectation. Then, it shows how doing so successfully results in regaining the opportunity to stay out later.
  • ‘Grounding’ or similar consequences tend to shift a child’s focus to how unfairly they feel they’re being treated and how much they believe they’re suffering (vs. strengthening their responsibility and self-awareness skills).
• Keep consequences or withdrawal of privileges appropriately time-bound – Consider the logic in selecting the time period of the consequence. Time periods often feel arbitrary to a child and can inadvertently discount the logic of the behavior you’re trying to instill.
  • A child internalizes the concept of time very differently from an adult. A few days of acutely experiencing a consequence may be more effective in bringing about the desired behavior than for example, a month-long period of time. When the time period is too long, it is an ineffective teaching tool and inadvertently places the focus on the aggrieved child.
• Keep practicing calming down strategies – Continue to teach your child strategies for independently calming down and to develop their self-awareness. Adapt your language to reflect your child’s age and developmental stage with terms like “Let’s take a break” or “You sound really frustrated right now. Do you want to take a minute to center yourself?”

As you evaluate what discipline strategies work for your child, there are also several foundational steps to consider proactively implementing before your child reaches that tipping point when discipline is required.