Do

That moment when a grown-up discovers that their child has lied is often flustered with several emotions – anger, disappointment, frustration, sadness, confusion – and is often met with a reaction to the child. However, lying is common among children and if there is a clear and strategic approach in your response, including understanding why your child lies and strategies for dealing with it, you can help your child learn to be honest.

A Sequence for What to Do and Not to Do

1. Determine the motivation (avoid making assumptions)
   • Lying often becomes concerning when grown-ups realize that their child is not only capable of intentionally deceiving them, but also of weaving and staying steadfast (by looking and sounding sincere) to a false story. Typically, grown-ups immediately react. Instead, if you discover your child has been lying, pause, walk away for a few minutes if you need, so that you get the emotional space to determine the reason for your child’s lying.
2. Let your child know that you know the truth, if applicable (your response should depend on your child’s reason for lying). If you know your child has lied:
   • Avoid asking them, “Is that true?” Setting them up when you know the answer is not constructive.
     • Instead you could say, “I know that’s not true. Let’s talk about what happened and why it’s not okay to lie.”
   • Avoid demanding a confession. Confessions encourage a child to lie more in the long-term; the more they lie, the easier it becomes for them to lie.
   • Avoid calling them a “liar”. Labels are not productive and can be damaging to a child – it is hurtful to their self-perception and does not address the underlying reasons for why they have lied.
     • Your goal should be to supportively teach your child the skills so that they can handle situations honestly. Labeling a child as a “liar” is counterproductive to this goal.
3. Respond and connect when you and your child are calm and collected.
   • Try: counting backwards “5-4-3-2-1” or five deep belly breaths before engaging, if needed.
4. Connect – meaningfully talk in a way that encourages your child to tell the truth – can include a set-up from you or giving your child time to collect their thoughts.
   • Set-up – Use phrases that will help your child see that they are not alone in their behavior and that you understand. For example, “I know it feels hard to tell the truth and you might know something that you think I will get angry about. But I do want to hear. I’m listening.” or “Everybody makes mistakes, including me. Mistakes are how we learn. Can you tell me more about what happened?”
   • Give time – It is normal for both grown-up and child to react in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, giving space to allow for reflection may help your child tell the truth. For example, “I know you were working hard to build that tower. Your sister is crying and says her back hurts so I am going to check in with her first to make sure she is safe. Then, I am going to come back and you can tell me more about what happened.”
5. Respond with a logical or natural consequence, if applicable.
   • A consequence (not punishment) that is related to the behavior or root cause of the incident that instills: i) a respect for the rules; ii) teaches self-reflection and skill-building.
   • The goal is to help your child realize that lying does not serve them and appeal to their ‘thinking’ brain to help shape future behavior.
     • For example, if your child lies that they practiced their reading homework for 15 minutes when they actually did not, the next reading session could be doubling the time to make up for the missed session, an admission to the teacher that a session was missed or reading next to you (especially if this occurs multiple times and it is a young child).
6. Help your child make amends for the lie and re-establish trust.
   • When your child has lied, help them see that doing so breaks trust and they need to acknowledge and work to regain that trust.
     • For example, you could say, “Because you lied to me about using your screen time, I feel sad that I can’t trust you to tell me the truth. You may not have screen time until you’ve regained my trust. Things that will help me trust you again are: when you tell me the truth, show first-time listening, and are helpful when I ask.”
   • Remember that understanding your child’s impulsive behaviors, can help you identify the strategies that work best for your child. Lying is common among many children with impulsive behaviors.
     • For a child with impulsive behaviors, give them extra time to think before speaking.

Lay the Groundwork *Before* You Discover a Lie

Lying is a concept that is often handled retroactively i.e., after a child has been caught lying. But proactively talking about it helps to lay preventative and educational groundwork.

• Lay the groundwork for honesty – Consider centering one of your Family Agreements around honesty. Be clear with establishing expectations around telling the truth and letting your child know that honesty is as important as other agreements, like speaking respectfully.
  • When your child breaks a rule, and they most definitely will, you want to communicate that telling the truth is the most important thing.
• Talk about lying and its implications – Have a family discussion about different kinds of lies, why people lie and why it is problematic. You will want to include concepts of ‘trust’ and ‘responsibility’, which are inextricably linked to honesty.
  • Be clear and direct with your child: If they lie to you, they will lose your trust and there will be consequences; you expect them to tell the truth, even when it means disappointing you or others.
  • Explain: “When you’re dishonest, it makes it hard for people to believe you even when you’re telling the truth. Telling the truth makes you trustworthy. When you are trustworthy, people want to be around you.”
• Praise honesty – Praise your child whenever they could have lied but instead chose to be honest. The goal is to reinforce intrinsic positive behavior – the behavior you are looking for.
  • This is incredibly hard for some children, so recognize and celebrate it when you see opportunities.
  • It can be helpful to reduce the severity of a logical consequence as acknowledgement for honest behavior. For example, “Thank you for being honest and telling me that you hit the vase when you threw the ball inside the house. I am really angry the vase is broken, so I know it was hard to come and tell me. Thank you. From now on, that ball can only be played outside because I appreciate your honesty. Let’s go clean-up that mess now so the living room is safe.”
    • However, be cautious in signaling that consequences are negotiable. You know your child best – there is a balance between honest dialogue and setting logical limits and consequences.

• Think about your response when your child makes a poor choice – Do you *respond* or do you react? Do you get angry? Do you respond in a way that inadvertently communicates to your child that they should avoid telling the truth in order to save face and not provoke your anger?
  • If your child fears your reaction, they may be communicating that it feels better to risk lying than to be honest.
  • In general, consider communicating to your child (this includes the words you use, tone of voice, body language, etc.) that they can tell you anything and that you appreciate their honesty and love regardless.
  • When your child comes to you after having made a poor choice, explain to them, “Honesty is important in our family. I know it feels hard to tell the truth. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes help us make better choices next time. Can you tell me what happened?”
• Model, model, model – Consider your own behavior and reflect on how you might lie (including fibs and tall tales) and does your child observe this.
  • Grown-ups, like children, like for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it is to get a child to do something (i.e., “If you don’t clean your toys up right now, I’m going to throw them all away.”), sometimes it is to avoid something (i.e., “We don’t have any more cookies. They’re all gone, so you can’t have any.”), or other times it is an illogical consequence that has no follow-through (i.e., “If you don’t come here by the time I count to three, I will leave you at the park.”). There are also other reasons, like saying a child is younger than they are for a discounted ticket price, not disclosing your true weight or age, etc.
  • A study from the University of California, San Diego, found that children who have been lied to are more likely to lie and cheat themselves. The research is clear – children imitate what they see and hear.