Do

The most effective way for a child to understand how to be an upstander is to empower your child with a small handful of strategies that they can easily recall in-the-moment and to practice self-advocating at home (i.e., getting comfortable with being the first person to speak up, getting the words out, moving through discomfort when there is disagreement).

Raising an upstander is about teaching your child the skills to:

• Recognize when a situation requires ‘upstanding’;
• Decide or feel comfortable enough to say something; and
• Say/do the upstanding thing.

Here’s how you can support your child to say/do the upstanding thing.

In-the-Moment: What Your Child Could Say

For a child, knowing what to say or being the first to speak up, are often the hardest parts. Teach your child these strategies (with example scripts for how they could use these strategies) as a starting point when they notice something is unfair or unjust:

• Ask a question directed at the person who made the initial statement
  • “June, I just heard you say that you would play with Evelyn ‘even though she is Chinese’. What did you mean by that?”
  • “Andrew, you keep calling John a ‘girl’ because he has long hair. Why do you think John can’t have long hair?”
  • “Logan, I just heard the joke you told. Can you explain why your joke is funny?”
• Speak from “I” – State what they physically see and hear (“I saw…” “I heard…” “I believe…” “In my family, we believe…”)
  • “I saw Meera scrunch her shoulders when you yelled like that, Jack. Your voice was loud and it looked like it frightened her.”
  • “I heard you use the N-word when you sang that song. Do you know what that word means? It is never OK to use the N-word.”
• Use “I” messages – State how they feel → State their personal boundaries → State what they want to have happen going forward.
  • “Evan, I feel so angry when you call my baby brother names. Stop it now!”
  • “Matteo, I noticed when you, Gigi, and I were playing you said, ‘I knew you would lose Gigi because you’re a girl. I knew you wouldn’t be fast enough!’ Gigi looked sad and angry when you said that. I feel so angry when I see my friend hurt by your words. Saying hurtful words is not OK. Please use kind words when we play together.”
• Stick to true facts – Encourage your child to inform their view with facts.
  • “Mum, I noticed that we study Black contributions to American history only during Black History Month? Why is that? What can we do about this?”
  • “These stairs are steep. No, Janet, I do not think it is safe for my baby sister to jump off them first as a test for you and me.”

Use Daily Routines to Help Your Child Practice Advocating for Their Point of View

Practice, practice, practice having your child: 1) talk about what is important to them and why; and 2) move through the discomfort of not staying silent. This can be done by fostering routine conversations and family habits where you ask your child their opinions and probe why they hold them. Be a partner in role-playing scenarios with them. The goal here is to get your child talking and critically thinking. For example,

• For younger children (ages 2 – 4) – Get them comfortable with the concept of having a voice and an opinion; encourage them to be comfortable with sharing that voice; teach them empathy and to identify their own feelings. Example everyday questions:
  • What’s your favorite color, food, animal, etc. and why?
  • What could you do if you see a friend (or someone) throwing sand (hitting, kicking, etc.) at someone?
• For older children (ages 4 – 6) – Practice having them explain why they feel how they do and why they have their particular opinion (i.e., explaining their positions); teach perspective-taking. Example everyday questions:
  • What could you say if you see a friend telling someone (or sibling) to do something dangerous? (Or, if you see someone doing something dangerous.)
  • What could you do if you hear someone saying something unkind about someone?
  • What could you do if your friends all want to do something that you don’t think is the right thing to do?
• For mature learners (ages 6+) – Teach them to be alert for situations where they can be an upstander. Example everyday questions:
  • What could you do if you hear a friend (or classmate) saying something hurtful or untrue about someone?
  • What could you say if you hear a classmate telling someone else not to follow a rule?
  • What could you say if you hear several classmates making a joke at another classmate’s expense?
  • What could you do if you see someone taking something that doesn’t belong to them?