Do

Learning the importance of being an upstander often comes naturally and easily for children (they intuitively understand fairness and injustice). But being an upstander in-the-moment is often difficult for a child. If you want your child to be ready to be an upstander for big moments in their lives, it requires ongoing practice through daily routines and a progression of learning.

As you teach your child how to be an upstander, consider using these principles to guide your ongoing conversations.

In-the-Moment of Being an Upstander

• Acknowledge it may feel uncomfortable – Openly acknowledge that being an upstander can sometimes feel hard – that it can be difficult to physically find your voice or get the words out, that it might cause tension among friends, that it is sometimes easier to stay quiet. Having you validate that: 1) there may be discomfort; and 2) that you have confidence that they can move through the discomfort, and that you can be the inner voice and support they need to upstand.
• Set expectations for *how* to act when there is disagreement.
  • Confirm that you can peacefully and respectfully disagree.
  • Acknowledge that there may be feelings of discomfort on both sides.
  • Practice and model using everyday conversations.
  • Encourage the use of  “I” messages – state your personal boundaries (on your feelings and physical interactions).
  • Be realistic about what success can look like in uncomfortable conversations.
  • Know when to walk away and give space to a conversation, and be secure in the knowledge that walking away does not mean giving up.
• Remind your child of the commonalities of what they appreciate and enjoy with the people they may disagree with.
  • Remind your child that understanding a person’s view on a topic is just one part of understanding who they are.
• Acknowledge that there can be different approaches to being active. In addition to speaking up, being an upstander can include:
  • Physical presence – Especially if your child is unsure of what to say but feels safe in the situation. Simply standing near someone to offer them physical support, without saying words, can play an important role.
  • Get help from a grown-up – Especially if your child is afraid or nervous to confront another child. For example you could say to your child, “You can get help from a teacher if you hear someone call a friend the N-word at school. Teachers are there to help.”
  • Be a listener – Empathetically hear a story of racism, bullying, name-calling, etc. told by an affected person.
  • Amplify someone else’s voice – For example, if your child notices that their group of friends think and behave alike, they could make efforts to include new friends.
  • Share resources and find allies – Encourage your child to talk among their friends about what they are reading and watching and activities they are participating in. Even from young, this is one way for a child to notice their spheres of influence.

In Daily Routines

• Look for entry points (mechanisms) where your child can ask you about things that they observe are unfair or unjust.
  • Ensure that you engage with diverse books, shows, media, movies, social experiences, etc. to provide ongoing opportunities to practice the back-and-forth conversations with your child. This way, when a big moment presents itself, your conversation will not be one-off and reactive.
    • This practice for your child makes uncomfortable and difficult conversations easier; repetition builds habit.
• Praise your child for noticing and for asking hard questions if your child has taken the initiative to come to you. Praise them for critically thinking. In your response:
  • Validate their feelings – “I hear you, I notice that too.”
  • State true facts, but avoid over-explaining. Children are concrete thinkers.
  • It’s OK to say, “I don’t know. But I can find out and get back to you.” Or, “Let’s make a plan to find out together.”
• Brainstorm ways to impact change and set a start date. Help your child to see their agency and empower them with independent self-help skills. Children naturally want answers and want to solve problems. Harness that energy and curiosity!
  • Teach your child the process for *how* to learn more deeply about something they care about. For example you could say, “I am learning and want to change that too. Let’s make a plan to make this different next Saturday by doing ____.”
  • Reinforce the concept of spheres of influence and that no action is too small. For a child, the approach of small things often is effective.
  • Remind your child that you are askable and accessible if they need help – and that it is OK and good to ask for help.
• Prompt “I notice” in everyday habits to foster “I wonder” critical thinking – When a child learns to take notice of the makeup of their communities, the choices they make, what they are learning and how, what they do and with whom, who they listen to and why, etc. it helps them critically think and wonder about the possibility of different narratives and perspectives. For example,
  • “Mom, I noticed that when we studied the history of California, we studied it from the point of view of the Gold Rush. What if we had learned about it from the Native American experience? I wonder how that lesson would have been different?”
  • When you and your child are reading a book or watching a show together: “I wonder how this story/show would differ if it was told from the perspective of another character?”
  • Processing sibling fights can be an opportunity to develop empathy and perspective-taking. For example you could say, “You both sound mad! It sounds like you both had a different plan for how to build a block tower. Now, I’m hearing how you both have a different take on why that block tower is smashed to the ground.”

• Model, model, model
  • You are your child’s first teacher and their example for tolerance and responding to fairness and injustice. Much like riding a bike or learning to read, children will learn how to be an upstander with ongoing practice and when it is modeled for them.
  • Adults may find that they need practice with upstanding as well. We recommend Hollaback Bystander trainings that provide practical tips for grown-ups in a variety of situations.

Is your child able and ready to say/do the upstanding thing?