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Friendship is an important part of a child’s life, but what it means to be a ‘good’ friend becomes increasingly complicated as a child matures, gains independence and individuates. Creating and maintaining friendships comes easily for some children and harder for others. Teach your child a set of skills that can help them establish healthy, happy friendships and that will support their social interactions from a young age and give them a foundation for life.

Basic Concepts

• When it comes to friendship, children will experience a variety of situations and behaviors – all of which are common in childhood and a part of navigating relationships in life. For example: social exclusion, joining a group already in play, wanting to leave an existing group, navigating the duality of playing with one friend while wanting to play with a larger group, taking turns, taking care of other people’s things, fair play, setting boundaries, sharing decision-making, giving personal space, having your ‘buttons pushed’, being ‘bossy’ or ‘bossed’, envy, misunderstandings, tall tales, etc. The list is long!
• Developing a strong Friend Skill Set is helpful for every child.
  • Being a ‘good’ friend consists of a set of skills that can be nurtured and empowers children to independently and easily navigate tricky situations.
• In many leading schools, the term ‘best friend’ is discouraged; it is exclusive and for young children, it has a definition that often shifts so is not productive.

10 Characteristics of a ‘Good’ Friend

• Has a strong sense of self – A child who is confident in what they like and don’t like, and knows what is important to them is often able to successfully navigate peer relationships, is less likely to be impacted by peer pressure and bullying, and is more equipped to be an upstander.
• Can take another child’s perspective – Perspective-taking means that in a given situation, a child can use empathy, be mindful of their words, and see the situation from another point of view, even if they disagree with someone else’s thoughts or ideas. This is critical for situations involving compromise, negotiation, fair play, sharing roles, taking care of other people’s things, teasing, mimicking, etc.
  • A child with a strong sense of self also understands that friends can like different things and appreciates that differences can bring valuable perspectives.
  • Understanding the concept of taking another child’s perspective is a concrete way for a child to develop an open mind.
• Is able to regulate their own emotions – Self-regulation is an ongoing process for a young child. Being able to identify their feelings and to respond appropriately to their feelings is empowering.
• Knows how to read and respond to others’ emotions – Being able to recognize a friend’s social and visual cues and how to react is a critical skill. Help your child develop their emotional literacy by talking about their feelings and playing games that help build this skill.
  • How your child responds to other people’s emotions is also dependent on your child’s personal traits. In general, remind your child that there are many helpful ways to respond to a friend’s emotions, including being a listener, getting help from a grown-up, offering support with physical presence, etc.
• Knows how to share decision-making, including collaborate, compromise and negotiate – Learning how to work with others, listen, avoid taking over an idea or situation, etc. are a necessary part of every child’s social skill development.
  • For a young child, self-awareness of personal limits and knowing how and when to collaborate, compromise and negotiate comes with maturity and may require coaching and practice.
  • It is helpful for a young child to know that they do not have to be close friends with everyone they work with, but it is important to respect other people’s perspectives and skills.
• Knows how to play fairly – Children are concrete thinkers and may see their play world as winning vs. losing. Cheating, tall tales and lying are common in childhood play.
  • Help your child understand that fair play means focusing on how you play the game, not the outcome of the game.
• Knows how to include other people – Social exclusion is a main theme in a child’s development and there are many reasons why it happens.
  • Teach your child to recognize when another child should be included, use inclusive language and coach your child with social scripts they can use to include their friends.
• Knows how to handle conflict – Friends will fight and will hurt each other’s feelings – this is natural and normal. It is important for a child to understand that friendship is not conditional on always getting along or only playing with a specific friend.
  • Knowing how to be an upstander and what to say in-the-moment are also part of being ‘good’ friend when handling conflict.
• Sets and keeps strong boundaries – This means knowing when and how to say “No” as well as knowing how to accept “No”.
• Does not talk about people behind their back – While gossip-like social banter can sometimes seem ubiquitous among children, it is important for you to be clear about your family’s expectations. Speaking, especially negatively, about people can lead to a myriad of friendship issues.

Questions to Consider

We all want to be loved and appreciated. As you consider how your child relates to their friends and peers, we suggest using the lens:

• What strategies is my child using to achieve the above characteristics?
• Where is my child succeeding and where is my child misfiring with their friends on the above characteristics?
• Does my child learn better informally from their peers or do they need explicit social skills instruction?