Key strategies and tools to use before, during and after your child’s angry outbursts – all in a simple printable with example scripts.
Do
Core Marbles
- Co-regulate
- Build an emotional vocabulary
- Identify triggers
- Teach calming strategies
- Practice deep breathing
General Strategies for Anger Management
Although how and when anger outbursts occur may differ for each child, there are some general strategies that can help them move through their anger:
- Co-regulate
- Anger, and other dysregulated behaviors, are an opportunity for building emotional regulation skills, as well as deepening an understanding of your child. The importance of co-regulation – regulating your emotions alongside your child’s – cannot be overstated.
- Connecting with, listening to, and understanding your child are foundational in order for your child to build capacity in their regulation skills.
- Being attentive to your own emotional health when your child is angry is also important in caring for your child’s emotional needs.
- Build an emotional vocabulary
- How many words can you and your child come up with that describe the varying degrees of feeling ‘angry’?
- Take these words and make an ‘Anger Thermometer’ to visually show the different intensities of emotion.
- Identify triggers
- Can your child identify things that ‘push their buttons’? Creating a list of triggers can help your child recognize the causes of their anger.
- Teach calming strategies
- With your child, create a menu of calming strategies that will help them de-escalate when feeling angry.
- Examples include: take deep breaths, find your Cozy Corner, take a walk, listen to music, read a book, exercise or jump, squeeze a stress ball or stuffed toy, verbally express their feelings, etc.
- Not all children are able to independently calm down. Here’s why and the important things to know.
- With your child, create a menu of calming strategies that will help them de-escalate when feeling angry.
- Practice deep breathing
- It is often difficult for a child to engage in deep, intentional breathing on their own, so it is important to teach them how to take deep breaths and practice with them daily. The routine repetition makes it easier for a child to know what to do when they find themselves in a dysregulated state.
- An easy way to practice is to breathe through the nose (“smell the flower”) and breathe out of the mouth (“blow out the candle”). More breathing exercises: when your boat gets rocked, practice Mindful Minutes and shape breathing.
Before, During, After
Knowing what to do in detail before and after your child’s moment of anger is as important as how you handle it in the moment. Consider trying the following strategies.
| What You Could Do and Say | |
| BEFORE | |
| Pay attention to signals. |
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| Key preemptive strategies (if you are able to catch them prior to an outburst). | Tell them what you notice.
Offer a limited choice.
Suggest calming activities and model them.
Offer cognitive distractions.
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| Praise your child for staying calm, following your cues and making good choices (if you are able to de-escalate before a full anger explosion). | Recognize their shift in behavior and emotional states, and explain that it had a positive effect on you and others.
Recap what was frustrating for your child, and what they did that was successful.
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| DURING | |
| Make sure your child is safe or that you have a designated safe place for your child to go to release their anger. |
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| Adjust to how your child best responds. |
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| Check yourself. It is natural for grown-ups to mirror the emotions of their child and vice versa, especially when anger flares up. |
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| AFTER | |
| Discuss the situation in a non-judgmental, caring and safe way once your child is calm and ready to talk. |
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| Validate how your child felt. | For example,
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| Encourage your child to verbally express how they felt. |
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| Problem-solve different options that they could have chosen in the situation. | It can be helpful to role-play the situation and practice acting it out in better ways with calmer responses. This is a great way to create a ‘Next-time plan.’ |
| Remind your child about what they did to help the situation. | This is especially helpful for younger children who do not have the capacity to engage in high-level problem-solving. For example,
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| Notice and give positive reinforcement and praise for any shifts in behavior. | Be explicit about what your child said or did that you are proud of, and how it had a positive impact on you and on others in the family. For example,
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| Make a plan with your child for what they can do when they feel angry. | Empowering your child in the decision-making process will help them know what to do when they feel their triggers arising. Provide some of the options and strategies shared in this series. |
| If your child broke something or hurt someone physically… | First, it is important to distinguish to your child that what they did was not safe; then, let them know that you love them and want to help them make safer choices next time. |
Keep reading for our roadmap on how your child’s brain and body are emotionally and physically processing their anger, and strategies and tools to help them manage through it.