If you want to raise a child who grows up to be a resilient, problem-solving, persistent and adaptable adult, let them fail and let them fail often.
Children must experience small failures to build coping and problem-solving skills. We are not doing our children any favors when we shelter them from failure, especially when they are young and the stakes are significantly lower. How we teach our children to respond to failure is key. Here’s 5 Things to Say to Your Child If They Fail.
Learn
Making mistakes, losing or failure can be painful, frustrating and embarrassing – for both child and parent. Removing obstacles can be our attempt at sustaining our child’s – and our – self-esteem. But the impact of not allowing our children to naturally fail is not helpful.
The Impact of *Not* Failing
When we prevent children from experiencing failure, we inadvertently say:
- “You are not capable of handling hard things.”
- “You are not capable of successfully dealing with defeat.”
- “You are not capable of overcoming disappointment or managing unhappy feelings.”
This attacks the core of a child’s self-confidence; it increases their self-doubt, discourages them from challenging themselves and disempowers them from believing they can independently overcome challenges. Ironically, it hurts a child’s self-esteem instead of building it.
The Benefits of Failing
- Research proves that children do not believe in their ability to bring about change in their lives when hovered over by ‘helicopter’ parents – A 2014 study found that children who were denied opportunities to demonstrate autonomy and competence did not grow up to believe in their agency. These children also grew up to have higher levels of depression and less life satisfaction. Put another way: when children are not provided with opportunities to develop critical life skills, they are less likely to adjust to adulthood successfully, and inevitably feel that life is harder and less enjoyable.
- Research shows that a growth mindset positively affects a child’s engagement, motivation, achievement and happiness – A growth mindset is generally defined as one’s belief that abilities are developed through practice and hard work, and that challenges are opportunities for learning.
- A 2016 study by growth mindset pioneer Carol Dweck, Ph,D. found that a parent’s view of failure impacts a child’s mindset of their own intelligence. The sequence is simple: if I view failure negatively, my child will see their abilities as fixed; my child, with their fixed mindset, will then view failure as a sign of their poor, unchangeable intelligence.
- Research suggests that mistakes ‘grow’ our brains – The brain grows when we make mistakes because it is a time of struggle; and when we struggle, synapses in our brain fire (synapses are electrical signals that move between parts of the brain where learning occurs). Psychologist Jason Moser found greater brain activity and growth when people had a growth mindset than when people had a fixed mindset.
Failing is an opportunity to persist and adapt. Fail forward.
Just Remember
- Intellectually, failing gives a child an opportunity to reflect, reframe, adapt and practice flexible thinking.
- Emotionally, failing gives a child a chance to process a variety of emotions and to self-regulate. The latter is especially relevant for young, growing minds. Having big feelings and learning how to move through them appropriately and productively is a critical life skill.
Do
Core Marbles
- Change the mindset around failure
- Praise effort
- Process failure
- Validate your child’s feelings and experiences but seize the opportunity to reframe them
How to Teach Your Child to Respond to Failure
(and 5 Things to Say to Your Child If They Fail)
Change the mindset around failure – Consider talking about failure as part of your daily routine, as part of questions you ask about their day. For example, try asking your child at dinner, “What did you try doing today that didn’t work out?” or “What mistake did you make today that you’d like to re-do?”
- Sara Blakely, founder of Spanx, once said of her father’s habit of asking about his children’s failures at the dinner table, “What it did was reframe my definition of failure. Failure for me became not trying, versus the outcome.”
Praise effort – Praise your child for trying. The very act of trying develops a growth mindset and builds your child’s self-confidence to take reasonable risks and flex new skills. Reframe defeatist statements and introduce the concept of *yet*. Acknowledge hard work and perseverance, but be direct and honest. No one is born just knowing something perfectly. We all have to practice, make mistakes, and try things a new way.
Process failure – Ask your child how they plan to problem-solve for next time. Take a long, healthy p-a-u-s-e when you ask your child this question and let them come up with the ideas. Resist the urge to make suggestions; this is a great skill-building opportunity for your child. By processing the failure and planning for next time, your child will feel equipped for the next try.
Validate your child’s feelings and experiences, but seize the opportunity to reframe them – Share your own experiences of failure with your child and emphasize the learning that came from these failures. Learning from you is powerful and effective. Consider actively making mistakes in front of your child and calling yourself out on it, or better yet, see if they call you out on it.
5 Things You Could Say
For when the moment strikes and disappointment hits. Choose a phrase based on the situation:
“I know this feels hard right now. It’s going to be OK.”
“Keep trying. It’s good to do hard things and you can do hard things.”
“Keep working at it. Practice makes better.”
“I know you’re disappointed, but you’re great at persisting in new ways. I know you can keep going.”
“It looks like you’re frustrated. Let me know when you’re ready to talk about a different plan for next time. You can try again.”
More useful phrases: build a growth mindset and reframe defeatist statements.