Try having ‘Family Agreements’ instead of having ‘rules’. Family Agreements can be powerful yet simple tools for encouraging baseline behavioral expectations. Similar agreements exist in early learning classrooms and have proven to be effective communication and learning techniques. Make it happen at home in 5 easy steps.
Learn
Agreements are a research-based approach to establishing positive behaviors, individual accountability and community responsibility. (It’s why you often see them in classrooms.) They level-set expectations and minimize family conflict, while limiting what sometimes feel like limitless power struggles between grown-up and child.
A child who has a strong understanding of clear and consistent behavioral expectations will feel more safe and secure within a group and social structure. Family Agreements also clarify every family member’s responsibility to each other. Your agreements, your choice. It doesn’t have to be complicated; no over-thinking.
“If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh
Do
Core Marbles
- Create agreements collaboratively
- Keep it simple and positive; be specific
- Make it visible
- Celebrate!
- Review and revise
- Create agreements collaboratively
- Tell your family that you’re going to do a special activity together during which you’re going to create Family Agreements.
- Get them excited by telling them you can’t wait to hear their ideas of what will make good agreements for your family.
- Having a conversation about what the agreements mean and their implications will ensure that everyone is on the same page.
- Start by thinking of your family’s values. You may have a good sense of these but it’s important to ask your child for their thoughts (e.g. kindness, compassion, respect, forgiveness, generosity, teamwork, learning from mistakes, etc.).
- Questions you could ask:
- “What do you think is most important to our family?”
- “What would we like to be different about our family?”
- “How could we keep our family community safe, loving and helpful?”
- Be prepared for all kinds of answers and encourage a long list as you record everyone’s contributions.
- Questions you could ask:
- It’s okay to enter into the process with some basic ideas of what you think your Family Agreements should be. You can help your child take abstract ideas and break them into realistic agreements if you’ve done some pre-thinking.
- Take a holistic approach when thinking through your list of agreements. They do not need to be prioritized or ordered in a specific way.
- Tell your family that you’re going to do a special activity together during which you’re going to create Family Agreements.
- Keep it simple and positive; be specific
- 3 – 5 clear yet comprehensive agreements are better than a laundry list.
- Aim for easy-to-remember, action-oriented agreements vs. an exhaustive list. Resist the urge to go overboard, and don’t worry about the order.
- Ensure the agreements cover a majority of situations and common pain points. We encourage using concrete language to cover a broad range of situations. For example, “Use helpful words” is better than “Be nice”.
- Frame your agreements positively, focused on what you expect to see and hear. For example, “Keep bodies and feelings safe” is better than “No hitting.”
- 3 – 5 clear yet comprehensive agreements are better than a laundry list.
- Make it visible
- Write or type your list of agreements and consider adding visuals next to each agreement for a young child. For example, draw a simple ear with a heart around it for an agreement like “Listen respectfully”.
- Ask each family member to sign their name; sign the agreement *with* your child. This symbolic show of commitment will help your child be more mindful of the agreement.
- Hang your agreements in a high-traffic area. Easier to see = higher success of implementation.
- Remember, these are Family Agreements – for *both* child and grown-up. Let your child know that they can remind you when you’re not following an agreement – they’ll feel more ownership if it’s a two-way street.
- Celebrate!
- When family members successfully (and proudly) abide by an agreement, ensure that you actively notice and praise this. It’ll deepen your child’s understanding of the agreement’s meaning, reinforce positive behavior and strengthen your relationship with your child.
- Build family discussions about agreements into your regular routines. For example, during mindful bedtime conversations or dinner time banter.
- Consider a weekly dinner conversation where everyone discusses a time they noticed themself or another family member following an agreement.
- Celebrate with a Hero Badge, or add to your Marble Jar or Sibling Love Jar each time you notice an agreement being followed. This can work well when you’re trying to address significant behavior challenges.
- Review and revise
- Determine how you will review your agreements. When a child (or grown-up) is breaking an agreement, direct attention to your posted agreements and have a conversation.
- Depending on your family, it may be appropriate to use discipline to address the broken agreement. Or maybe the situation is such that your child just needs a reminder and an opportunity to re-do. Be flexible yet consistent in how you handle broken agreements. Establishing consistency and logical consequences will instill a respect for the agreements.
- Family Agreements are not set in stone; they can and should change based on your family’s experiences and as your child enters different developmental phases.
- When you first create Family Agreements, be strategic. Guide your family to create agreements that address common pain points. As certain behaviors improve or new challenges develop, consider calling a family meeting and revising your agreements.
- Determine how you will review your agreements. When a child (or grown-up) is breaking an agreement, direct attention to your posted agreements and have a conversation.
Ideas for Your Family Agreements
- Keep bodies and feelings safe.
- Always use helpful and kind words.
- Be helpful to each other.
- Listen and respond respectfully.
- Ears open wide and listening.
- Look in my eyes and reply.
- Take care of our space.
- Fix it if you hurt it or break it.
- Always tell the truth.
- We make mistakes and have re-do’s.
- Play and have fun!