Help your child learn how to resolve a social conflict on their own with this framework – Wheel of Choices.
Learn
If you ask a young child to solve a problem independently, they will likely look at you with a blank stare and wonder, “What does that mean? How do I do that? What do I do first?”
But even a young child is capable of solving their own problems. With this Wheel of Choices, you can help your child to independently think through how to solve a social conflict.
Self-efficacy builds on the foundation of two key problem-solving skills:
- Critical thinking – The ability to break down a large problem into smaller parts, and to analyze them. This encompasses elements of logic like sorting, classifying and comparing.
- Creative thinking – The ability to look at a problem in different ways. This encompasses the willingness to take risks, make mistakes and experiment.
Help your child be fluent and flexible in both of these skills when they tackle conflict on their own.
Do
Core Marbles
- Post the Wheel of Choices in a high-traffic area
- Say “Three Before Me” consistently
- Start slow and build up to all six
- Practice, practice, practice!
Helpful Tips
- Post the Wheel of Choices in a high-traffic area so that you can reference it frequently.
- “Three Before Me” is a helpful, memorable rhyme.
- Use the rhyme “Three Before Me” consistently as you roll out the Wheel of Choices.
- Start slow; practice using one choice at a time and build up to all six.
- Be clear about what each choice looks like in practice.
- Depending on your child’s age, start with one choice.
- Ask your child to start with a choice that you think has a high likelihood of success in their typical conflicts.
- Build up to all six choices over time, when you think your child is ready.
- Over time, your child will naturally turn to these solutions and feel capable of taking steps towards solving their own problems. But it won’t happen all at once – remember, it’s a marathon not a sprint.
- Practice is critical.
- Even after introducing the Wheel of Choices, it’s likely that you’ll still be asked to resolve conflicts. Your skillful coaching will help your child learn what steps they need to take to use the Wheel.
Example Scripts – How to Introduce Your Child to the Wheel of Choices
- “The Wheel of Choices can help you solve your own problems with other people. Before you come to me when you have a problem, I want you to try three of the choices. If none of them work, I’m here to help.”
- Go over each of the choices and talk about what they mean. Make it extra fun and explicit by acting out a conflict using each of the choices.
- “I’ve noticed that lately you’re doing so many things to practice being a grown-up: you help put your laundry away, you clear your plate after meals, and I think you’re ready for something else that grown-ups use a lot – it’s called the Wheel of Choices. When you get older, the Wheel will be in your mind, but since you’re learning, I’ve printed out a copy that we will post on the fridge.”
If Your Child Resists the Wheel of Choices
- Don’t fret! Point out situations when you see people or book characters using the choices.
- “Look at that! Your sister just got frustrated that your brother wouldn’t share the legos so she used an “I” message. She’s really practicing to be a grown-up, I use “I” messages often!”
- Consider talking about the Wheel of Choices when you’re reflecting over a particular situation – post-conflict.
- “I wonder what we could do differently next time? If we had [pick a choice], what would have happened instead?”
- “Stop –>Think –>Redo. What are some better choices we could make next time?”
- “Would [pick a choice] help you tell your friend what you need?”
There are many reasons children come to us to help solve their problems. And it’s natural for a child to resist trying to solve their own problems (this may be a habit to break if a child hasn’t tried to solve their own problems yet). But if you’ve been clear about what each choice looks like on the Wheel of Choices, it’s fair to ask your child to, “Try ‘Three Before Me’”, and build their capacity to tackle conflict on their own.
Self-efficacy is a lifelong skill that will serve them well. They’ll thank you – one day.