At around age 4, you may see all sorts of dramatic language changes – talking back, harsh tones of voice, emotional tantrums, negative language, and even experimentation with profanity. These are normal. And may be coupled with impulsive and aggressive behaviors, tattle-taling and social exclusion. These are all signals that your child is stretching, growing, questioning and challenging themselves.
Learn
With large changes in meta-cognition, there is a lot going on in a 4-year old developmentally:
- Exploring autonomy – They have one foot in independence and the other in dependence. They may be struggling with:
- “Do I want to be a big kid or a baby?”
- “What does it mean to leave behind my little self?”
- “I am craving empowerment, but it is also a little bit scary.”
- Social world is rapidly changing – They may be connected to one good buddy and worried that if other children try to play, that relationship will disappear. They may be interested in multiple children, but have not yet developed the social skills to navigate these more complex relationships. Some children want leadership and power, others look up to big personalities.
- Cognizant of their emotions, their actions and the consequences of their choices – Their self-esteem and confidence take the stage. They begin seeing themselves as part of a whole community, despite still being very egocentric.
So it’s not surprising that this developmental stage is filled with “making mistakes”. Mistakes are the seeds of learning; they shape our reactions and give us tools for what to do the next time.
Assume the best.
Trust that your child is doing their best to tell you about a problem they’re trying to solve, a need they have, or an emotion for which they are struggling to find the words. And remind your child to trust that you also want the best for them.
Do
Core Marbles
- Focus on how you can respond to your child so they develop:
- Self-knowledge.
- Emotional intelligence.
- An understanding for their part in the social world.
- Tools for managing their emotions and relationships.
- The confidence to try, make mistakes and correct themselves.
Tips for Talking with Your Child
- Talk to your child about your family values and be specific with words. For example:
- “In our family we believe words like [stupid] are hurtful”.
- “In our family we sometimes use words like [silly billy] but calling other people these names can be hurtful.”
- *Show* what “tone” is to your child (the word “tone” itself can mean very little to a young child). For example:
- Try saying the word “fine” in a variety of tones, like angry, apathetic, disappointed, sad, happy, eager to show how the same word can make someone feel differently depending on “tone”.
- Now try using other words like “whatever” or “sure” in those same tones, to show again how entirely different words can make someone feel similarly (as when you used “fine”) because of the tone.
- Explain how words and tone make people feel comfortable and uncomfortable. For example:
- “When your voice gets so loud, I want to cover my ears.”
- “I can’t hear what you are trying to tell me because all I hear is a loud voice.”
- “I feel scared when you are yelling at me.”
- “I am sad that you are going to hurt me when you get so mad.”
- “Your face looks scary when your voice gets so loud. It makes me want to stop playing.”
- Be clear when a tone is inappropriately used, and offer a chance to redo. For example:
- “When you said ___, it made me feel ___. Is that how you wanted me to feel? If not, let’s try saying that another way that makes me feel comfortable and safe.”
- Set limits and consistent, logical consequences.
- Let your child know what is expected of them in your family. Children feel safest when they know a grown-up is in charge; they are not yet ready for the responsibility of making all of their own choices.
- Consider a logical consequence that is related to the behavior you want to discourage.
- Consequences are most effective if they are time-limited and task-oriented. For example, if you take something away, your child should know what specific behavior they need to show over a specified (short) period of time to earn that privilege back.
- Let your child know what is expected of them in your family. Children feel safest when they know a grown-up is in charge; they are not yet ready for the responsibility of making all of their own choices.
- Talk about “trust”. It’s not easy, but do it.
- Introduce the notion that among your family and friends, you are trusting that everyone is doing their best and wanting the best for each other.
- Sometimes we make mistakes. But it doesn’t mean we wanted to hurt each other.
- Remember to ask a question to find out what your child is thinking or to find out what happened – before getting upset or angry.
- Try the Stop → Think → Redo method – Making mistakes is how we learn to make a better choice next time.