Tattling is very common but it can be shaped by our responses to their tattling. Teach your child this simple rhyme to work through the thinking process independently “Think of these four, then come ask me for more”.
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Why Kids Tattle
Tattling is natural. We often see it ramp up around age 4 when cognitive and moral development are advancing. It is just as common among older siblings as it is among younger siblings because:
Behavior is nothing more than another way of communicating.
Before teaching your child that tattling isn’t necessary, take a step back and ask yourself, “Why is my child tattling? What are they trying to accomplish?” Try to think, “What is going on for the tattler?” Some common reasons:
- Desire for praise – Children are motivated by praise, and following rules is often associated with receiving praise. So it’s natural for children to believe that tattling is the right thing to do if someone breaks the rules. They believe that by “helpfully” tattling, they’ll receive praise for what they deem to be a good deed – following the rules.
- Wants to get attention.
- Wants to establish power.
- Wants to get someone in trouble.
- Limited problem-solving skills.
Knowing when to tattle vs. when to tell can be illogical and unintuitive for young children.
- As grown-ups, we are often unsure what to do about tattling and may convey ambiguity or a double message to our children. For example, we may use the information the tattler shares to correct another child’s behavior, but under the same breath, also tell the tattler, “Don’t tattle tale.”
- It’s helpful to establish some explicit rules.
Do
Use this simple table to help your child understand the difference between tattling and telling, and help make things more logical, and over time, more intuitive.
Some Key Rules for Tattling vs. Telling
| Tattling | Telling |
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Try this simple rhyme to encourage your child to think through the process independently:
- “Think of these four, then come ask me for more.”
- Are you trying to get someone in trouble?
- Was it an accident?
- Can you solve the problem on your own?
- Are you safe?
Keep in Mind
- For younger children – Tattling can be shaped by our responses to their tattling.
- For older children – Remind them that telling when help is needed is OK and right. While older children may stop tattling as their problem-solving skills improve, they also become more uncertain of telling as their social skills develop.