Do

Pre-Empting a Tantrum

• Notice when the tantrums happen; look for patterns – Perhaps during transitions, when hungry, meeting new people, sibling rivalry? If you can identify when and why tantrums take place, you can create routines that prevent them.
  • Something as simple as finding a pattern empowers your child, and sets them up for success.
  • “I notice that every time I start to make dinner, you cry and want to read a book. I wish I could read to you whenever you want, but I also have jobs to do. Let’s make a plan to have story time before I cook and then you can help me with dinner.”
• Use visual representations of routines and schedules – Children thrive with consistency, predictability, repetition and knowing expectations. If you have a schedule of the day, it will be easier for them to handle the routines and manage when routines change unexpectedly.
• Build your child’s self-awareness – Teach your child to be self-aware of how it physically feels *in their body* when they’re about to get mad, sad, anxious, etc. Let them know that understanding these physical cues is a good and healthy sign of feelings to come. And that letting a grown-up know when they start to *feel* these physical triggers can help make a tricky situation easier. For example:
  • “My throat gets a big lump in it when I want to cry.”
  • “My heart beats really fast when I feel scared.”
  • “My brain feels like it’s full of butterflies when I’m so mad and I want to yell.”
• Consider teaching your child independent calming strategies – This can be a preventative technique to head off a meltdown.

Post-Tantrum

• “Stop, Think, Re-Do.” – Let your child know there is nothing they could do that would stop you from loving them.  We all make mistakes, and mistakes are good because we learn from them and how we can do things better next time. “Stop, Think, Re-Do” is a simple learning message that will resonate with children.
  • If your child responds with “Well, it doesn’t matter what I do. I know you will always love me.”
    • When children say things like this they are really expressing anxiety. The child is protecting himself and saying “I know I did something I shouldn’t do, but I am not going to tell you I know” There is also a deeper emotion underlying the child’s question – “Will you really love me if I am bad?” The adult’s response should be about the larger lesson.
    • Response for the adult – “Of course I will always love you, but my job is to keep you safe and help you learn. We’re all learning to make good choices. The choice you made, created a big problem for you and me. It felt yucky for both of us. Let’s Stop, Think, Re-Do and make a better choice next time that helps us both feel safe and comfortable.”
• “I notice. I wonder.” – Help your child reflect. Use relevant emotional language and ask questions.
  • “I noticed that when I was playing with your brother you started to take all the toys to get my attention. I wonder if you were feeling jealous. Sometimes when I am jealous, I get louder to get attention, but it never works. People just feel uncomfortable. What could we do differently next time? What would help you tell me what you need?”

*Note – We’ve tried our best to make our Tantrums series universal and inclusive. But understandably, parents want specific answers to their particular situation. Every child is different and needs different messages. Every parent needs to look at the part they play in the dynamic.

If a child is only throwing tantrums with one adult, then it is time to look at:

• Why the child does not have tantrums with other adults in that child’s life?
• How are the reactions different?
• What does the child get out of throwing a fit with one and not the other?