Tantrums: Helpful Things to Say to Your Child to Get Through It

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Tantrums – Part 3: What You Could Say

Ages

2-3,

3-4

The reality is we have no control over when our child calms down. Parenting and teaching is not quick and easy, especially with an audience. But our responses teach lessons. For example, if you give in one time, it’s likely that your child will repeat the same behavior the next time they want something. It’s that’s simple.

Do

Tools for Public Tantrums

If you have an audience, try to ignore it and acknowledge and let go of any feelings you may have about your parenting being judged by others. This is about meeting your child’s needs in the way you know is best; input from others is not needed or welcome.

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What Could Happen	What You Could Say
If you need to move your child to a more private place amidst a meltdown.	“We’re leaving right now. And we can come back again when your body is calm.”
If your child is hitting you or a friend.	“Keep my body safe! I can see you’re mad and it’s OK to be mad. But you cannot hurt my body.“ “Ouch! Hitting hurts. I need to take care of my body. We can play again later when it’s safe.” “We’ll take a break alone until you’re ready to play with me again.” Read more helpful phrases for when your preschooler hits.
If you need your child to immediately calm down.	“I hear you want to take off your shoes. But it’s not a choice. To keep our feet safe in the playground, we must keep our shoes on.” Remember: 1) You are not in control of when your child calms down; 2) Use less words. Keep it simple!
If your child is having a tantrum because they don’t want to partake in an activity.	“I notice that you love [soccer], but when it’s time to play you don’t want to go [on the field]. I’m wondering what feels hard? I’m wondering if there is something that is uncomfortable / scary for you? What can we do to make [soccer] fun?” The answer is in the pattern. If the child loves a particular activity, for example, soccer, but every week freezes when s/he gets there, then it’s time to front-load the situation and prepare before. For example, one day before the activity, prepare your child for managing the panicked feeling they get when they arrive. Note – Front-loading is tricky for children with high anxiety. Talking to a child who is anxious three days in advance may cause undue anxiety. You’ll have to find the right balance.

P.S. – Don’t forget to reflect with your child after a tantrum. Textbook-y, but important.

*Note – We’ve tried our best to make our Tantrums series universal and inclusive. But understandably, parents want specific answers to their particular situation. Every child is different and needs different messages. Every parent needs to look at the part they play in the dynamic.