When your child starts demonstrating behaviors that show they are trying to ‘fit in’ or wants to ‘belong to a larger group’, it’s a big parenting moment. A big teachable moment. It’s very common for young children to explore this topic and it touches on a very basic need. And yet how we, as grown-ups, process this social need for our children is a lot more complicated.
Learn
Basic Concept
- Everyone wants to feel connected, wanted – like they belong. This is how humans group themselves socially and it’s part of our brain wiring. It is very common and natural.
- Young children are concrete thinkers, and are still learning to categorize things. So it makes sense that children use concrete, tangible ‘things’ like clothes, toys, movies, cartoon characters, etc. to leverage social acceptance and categorize themselves.
- Teaching children about self-image is a deep conversation and a lifelong lesson. At around ages 4 to 5, children begin their first real foray into a larger group of friends. Teaching positive self-image at this time is impactful.
- How we see ourselves in relation to others and how we develop self-confidence in our uniqueness is influenced by a combination of factors – home culture, school culture and individual personality.
Just Remember
- It is very common and natural for young children to want to feel connected and wanted.
- Feeling socially and emotionally secure affects a child’s learning, so helping a child to process this social need is important.
Do
Core Marbles
What You Can Do and Say
- Start talking about self-image when your child shows you they’re ready for it.
- The key to helping your child find their inner beauty is to keep the dialogue open with your child.
- If / when your child starts demonstrating behaviors that show they are trying to ‘fit in’ or wants to ‘belong to a larger group’ ask yourself, “Why is my child doing what they’re doing?”
- Your child is satisfying some social need and how you process that social need, and construct a home or classroom subculture that embraces it – while teaching the values that social need has identified – are paramount.
- Ask your child questions that will reframe how they perceive the social situation. Start by asking questions about:
- Who is in the group?
- Who gets to decide what the ‘norms’ are?
- What happens if someone doesn’t follow the expected social ‘norm’?
- Have you ever wanted to disagree with the norms? Why?
- How does it make you feel when you do the expected ‘norm’?
Learning by Example
Let’s play out this rich and deep topic with an example.
Jane is 5-years old and has recently been swapping clothes with a small group of girlfriends at preschool. Now each morning, as she gets dressed for school, Jane says things like:
- “I want to wear this blue dress again because when I wore it last time, everyone said I looked beautiful and my friends wanted to switch clothes with me”.
- “I don’t want to wear that shirt anymore. When I wore it the other day, nobody asked to trade clothes with me.” (And it was a shirt she used to love wearing.)
- “When I wore my hair down with my tiara, my friends said I look beautiful. I want to look beautiful. I like it when I get comments.”
Jane’s parents are concerned about Jane’s self-image and self-confidence, and want advice on what to say to her and how to handle the situation.
What Jane’s Parents Could Do and Say
- Many parents may want to ‘change or fix’ this experience their child is having either because: 1. Changing clothes is, realistically, logistically annoying; 2. Some cultures value individualism; and/or 3. They have a family and/or cultural value system for defining beauty. But letting a child choose how they want to look will embrace the child’s immediate social and emotional needs, and is immensely validating and empowering to the child.
- Jane’s parents should start the deep conversation about self-image with Jane; she has shown that she is ready for it.
- An important place to start is for Jane’s parents to think about “Why does Jane want to swap clothes with her friends?” Jane is trying to satisfy a social need.
- Questions Jane’s parents could ask her:
- On satisfying a social need to please someone (in the group):
- “Who is in charge of telling people who they can change clothes with?”
- “What happens if someone doesn’t want to change clothes?”
- “Have you ever wanted to say no? Why?”
- “Who gets to decide what is beautiful?”
- On satisfying the desire to be “beautiful”:
- “How do we know we are beautiful?”
- “What would happen if you were all naked? Would you still be friends?”
- “Can you be friends and not be beautiful?”
- On satisfying a social need to please someone (in the group):
- Jane’s parents should keep the dialogue open with Jane; it’ll be key to helping Jane find her inner beauty. As social beings, we are constantly looking for social acceptance. Getting to a place where we understand that it’s okay (and good!) to beat to our own drummer often doesn’t come until much later in life (and well beyond preschool years).