Encouraging your child to listen can sometimes be very hard (even when you have our trusty checklist of things to do). So what’s the limit? Here’s our let’s-get-real answers to your frequently asked questions.
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How much back-and-forth is too much?
- It depends on the child and the context.
- If you have time and can go back and forth a few times – go for it. Coming to a pleasant resolution feels good for everyone.
- If you need to leave the park ASAP, for example, you’ve shown empathy, and your child is screaming, scoop them up and leave. This isn’t about negotiation over every request, it’s an overall framework to induce cooperation as much as possible. If your child knows that they have a voice and is (often) involved in choices, they’ll be more receptive in instances where you need something to happen now, because you said so.
What about when you just want a child to do something. Like, NOW. Is that unreasonable?
- It’s not unreasonable. We all want children to do what we want now. It just doesn’t happen that way 99% of the time. Trust that if you establish a connected relationship with your child where they have a voice and are shown empathy in hard-for-them situations that they’ll get to a point where the “Sure, I’ll do what you asked” comes quickly and easily.
How do teachers establish boundaries after they’ve exhausted the checklist?
- By using logical consequences that allow a child to logically connect their actions with the consequences. For example: for the child who doesn’t stay quiet to write during writer’s workshop, they lose minutes of Free Play time to get the writing done; for the child who doesn’t listen to reminders to play with sticks safely, they take a break independently to refocus.
What can we reasonably expect from our kids at certain ages? What developmental cues should we be looking for to know that our kids are ready for a next level of listening?
- Sorry – no silver bullet answer here. The answer is very child and context specific.
- In general, listening is a skill that improves with maturity. As does reasoning.
- Just be consistent with how you ask your child to listen. In time, the historical pattern will have an impact.
We’ve tried everything (including following this checklist), and our kid *still* wants to do eight more things before putting on their shoes. Then what?
- Some ideas depending on your child’s developmental stage:
- If your child is more mature and/or older: Have a conversation outside of the moment. “Hey, I’ve noticed when we ask you to put on your shoes, you seem to have a hard time doing it quickly and want to do a lot of other things. This is really hard for us when we need to leave and it makes us late. What do you think we can all do so that you can put on your shoes the first time we ask?”
- If your child is younger: Ask once, twice, but then it’s time to sit next to them and help put on their shoes.
- The larger issue is to find the underlying reason for why a child is stalling – Having too much fun playing? Not enjoying school? Doesn’t want to run errands?
Getting your child into the habit of paying attention to you the first time you say something isn’t easy. Especially in the heat of the moment. Here’s a simple sequence.