One of the most frequent complaints we get from parents is around whining. We get it – even as teachers. There’s nothing like a whining child to stir up feelings of irritation, resentment or even anger.
But whining communicates critical information about your child’s emotional state. Think of whining as a slightly more mature version of a crying baby. That whine can be translated to “I need help!”
If you don’t dig below the surface, any attempts to stop whining will be frustratingly short-lived. Common advice to “Just ignore it,” or “Whine right back at them; show them how annoying it is,” will not solve the root problem.
Learn
Why do kids whine?
- So many reasons.
- Obvious ones include fatigue and hunger, and a general lack of mental resources to cope with a situation.
- Other important but more nuanced reasons include feeling:
- Powerless – If your child is whining because they feel powerless and you ignore them, they will feel even more powerless.
- Disconnected from their grown-ups – This can include loneliness, helplessness, or sadness.
- Emotionally overwhelmed – Kids who are holding a lot of emotions may whine as a sign that they need a release. That release could come in the form of a tantrum, a good cry, or even laughter.
- It’s not always about the thing the child is whining about. Asking for something they know they can’t have, may be a way to ensure a firm ‘No’, which then serves as a reason to unload a slew of emotions.
When faced with a whiny child, your job is to be a detective. Once you have an idea of why your child is whining, you’ll be better equipped to address it with the appropriate strategy.
Just Remember
- Whining is communication; dig deeper to find the reason for the behavior.
- As physically irritating as whining is, try to snap into detective mode. Think about the three key reasons for why kids whine and choose a strategy that fits the context.
- Reframe the idea of “giving in”; meet the genuine need.
Do
In general, there are three key reasons for why kids whine, but there is no silver-bullet solution that will make whining (immediately) stop. Choose a strategy that fits the context, be consistent with your approach and keep at it. In time, your child will see the pattern in what you’re doing, and that whining does not solve their problem.
| Key Reason | What You Could Do | What You Could Say |
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Some Common Scenarios….and How to Respond
| What Could Happen | What You Could Say |
| Child: “Pleeeease can I buy that toy? I neeeeed it, I reeeeallly want it now!” | Grown-up: “That’s a really cool toy, I see why you like it.” (Empathy, validation). “I bet if you help Dad with the garbage and a few other money jobs, you’ll quickly earn enough money to buy it.” (Helping a child feel empowered and capable of solving the problem). |
| Child: “I don’t want to go to school. I haaaaate school.” | Grown-up: “Oh buddy, sometimes I wish we could stay home all day together and not go to school.” (Empathy for feelings of anticipated disconnect). “If you put on your shoes quickly, we’ll have time for a piggyback ride and I’ll gallop to the car!” (Helping to establish connection and release with laughter). |
| Child: “I want a cooookieeeee now. I can’t wait until after dinner.” | Grown-up: “I want a cookie too, but we’re not having cookies now. Unless you can be my cookie, in which case I’m going to eat the chocolate chips in your neck!” (Looking for a limit, child may expect a “No” and cry when you say this; you may also be able to induce a release through laughter by nibbling on your child’s neck). |
Bonus Play
Puppets can be a great tool for acting out situations involving whining. Use them to show your child how to shift from a whining voice to a problem-solving voice.
Key Takeaway
Consider the reason.
Sounds simple, but easy to forget – especially amidst high-pitched wailing.