There are times when it becomes necessary to speak to children about people in their lives who are very sick. Here are some concrete phrases you can use. By proactively talking with your child (especially if your child will see any physical or daily routine changes), you are:
- Sending a message that they are respected and included members of the family.
- Building trust so that they feel safe to ask you any questions.
- Enabling them to work through their feelings.
Learn
Consider the age and maturity of your child when speaking about serious illnesses. A guideline for parents should be the younger the child, the more simple the conversation (i.e., fewer details, use basic terms). You are the best judge of knowing what your child can understand. Children like facts. Be specific. Use simple, direct words.
An ill family member or friend is a trying time for everyone – both children and grown-ups. Acknowledge your own feelings and you will be better equipped to help your child process theirs.
Think about how your child will process the information – what may they physically see, logistically experience and emotionally feel? For example:
- Physically see – Loss of hair, tubes and needles, blood, etc.
- Logistically experience – Frequent hospital visits, changes in childcare arrangements, possible travel, etc.
- Emotionally feel – Increased sadness and tears, increased feelings of helplessness, frustrated with not being able to articulate what they’re feeling, etc.
Consider what you can do to keep your child’s environment as stable and consistent as possible, while also walking them through any changes.
Just Remember
- The younger the child, the more simple the conversation.
- Children like facts. Be specific. Use simple, direct words.
- Acknowledge your own feelings to your child; it will help them process theirs.
Do
How to Tell Your Child
It is easy to be overwhelmed by a swirl of emotions and words when faced with, “How do I tell my child that [insert a beloved person’s name] is sick?” Stick to this 5-step process:
- Keep your explanations specific, but basic.
- Name of the disease or illness.
- Doctors/experts are doing their best.
- Offer realistic reassurance only.
- Describe any changes that might occur in your child’s physical environment.
- Help your child experience some control in what can feel like a powerless situation (e.g., help cook a meal or assemble a snack box, draw pictures or make decorations for hospital rooms, or make a card wishing the sick person well, etc.).
- Encourage your child to ask questions.
- Provide them with a place where they can draw or write anything they may wonder over time.
What You Could Say
| What Could Happen | What You Could Say |
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| If the sick person is a child: | |
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Other Things to Note
- Sometimes children can articulate their feelings, but often they cannot. It can be hard for a young child to articulate fear and worry about an ill person.
- Children may become clingy or more emotional than is typical. You may see the start of, or increase in, separation anxiety.
- Sleep may be disturbed.
- Consider that hospitals can be scary places for young children, but offer a visit if you feel it is appropriate for your child. If you do take your child, make sure you spend time previewing things they will see, smell and hear in advance of the visit.
- For younger children:
- Provide few details. Answer only what they ask.
- They are concrete thinkers, and will focus on the symptoms or side effects they can see (instead of what is happening inside the body).
- Consider using a doll, stuffed toy or picture of the body when describing the disease.
- Where relevant, emphasize that the disease is not contagious.
- For older children:
- Provide more details such as specific name of the disease, basics of the treatment plan, etc.
- Be prepared that your child may react later or show their response through behavior instead of words (e.g., angrier or quieter than usual). It’s not uncommon for a child to initially appear unaffected by the news.
- Where relevant, emphasize that the disease is not contagious, and that your child did not do anything to cause it.