One of the most frequent questions we get from parents is, “How do I get my child to listen?” It’s a universal complaint. It’s normal. So how do teachers do it so effectively with so many students? Popular FAQs.
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First and foremost, help your child develop the habit of paying attention to you – to be a “first-time listener”. When we repeat requests, or eventually shout, we’re actually teaching our children to not pay attention the first time.
- Children lack peripheral awareness, especially when deeply involved in an activity, and what looks like a child ignoring you may actually be an engrossed child who has tuned out the world. When we ask “How do I get my child to listen?”, what we’re really asking is “How do I get my child to do what I’m saying – now!”
Children have different priorities from grown-ups and may not understand why we’re asking them to do certain things at certain times. And at home, things can often feel one-sided to a child where there are many requests asked of them.
Do
Core Marbles
A Simple Sequence
(it’s the checklist many of us teachers use in class)
- Connect – First connect with your child, and then make a request. No connection often results in a failed request. You can:
- Get down to their eye level; or
- Make the request face-to-face; or
- Sound a call-and-response. (A common strategy in large spaces and when many children are involved.)
- Teach your child that when you make a certain “call”, they should recognize it as a signal that you want their attention and they need to listen. To show that they’ve heard your call and they’re listening, they reply with a certain “response”.For example:
- Adult – Sing “Pap pada pap pap?”, or howl like a wolf, “Arhwooooooo?” (works well – kids laugh hysterically).
- Child – Sing “Pap pap!”, or cheer “Yee haw” when they hear your call.
- Speak kindly, and consider it an opportunity to model how we speak to family, friends, teachers and others.
- Keep it simple – Use fewer words. Try using one/two-word reminders for frequent tasks (or even make up code words for these tasks). Often, more words = higher chance of being tuned out.
- Say “Teeth” (or code word “Mouth bugs”) instead of, “It’s bedtime, so please go brush your teeth.”
- Say “Shoes” (or code word “Twinkle toes”) instead of, “Let’s go, let’s go. Put your shoes on now.”
- See if your kids respond more quickly, and let us know which code words work for you.
- Check for understanding.
- To ensure your child really heard you, use a proven teacher strategy called “check for understanding”. Ask your child to repeat back to you what you expect them to do – “Can you please tell me what you just heard?”
- Particularly useful for multi-step directions.
- Give options – Consider how you make the request. No one likes hearing orders, and adults don’t especially like the role of drill sergeant.
- Pose things as questions. Especially helpful for cultivating cooperation. It draws on the child’s knowledge and helps them feel competent. For example:
- “What do you still need to do before we leave for school?”
- “What should we do before we move onto the next activity and play with that toy?”
- If a child is resistant, state facts and explain. Children are concrete thinkers. Sometimes, things just need to get done. It’s reality, and it’s important for kids to understand that too. For example:
- “We need to get our shoes on now, or else we’ll be late for carpool. It’s not kind to keep our friends waiting.”
- “Toys need to be put away so they don’t accidentally get sucked up in the vacuum.”
- “I’m sorry, this is a grown-up choice; we need to get in the car now. Sometimes things are a kid choice. Sometimes things are a grown-up choice. This is a grown-up choice.”
- Pose things as questions. Especially helpful for cultivating cooperation. It draws on the child’s knowledge and helps them feel competent. For example:
- Avoid threats – Threatening your child will likely cause them to dig in and show their stubborn side. Involving your child in the process, like when you offer choices, will increase the chance of cooperation. For example:
- “Do you want to get dressed now or in five minutes?”
- “Do you want to take a bath now or after dinner?”
- Take their perspective – Children are asked to do many things, many times a day, often when they are in the midst of another activity. Try to see from their side how hard this can be, and remember to name their feelings and show empathy.
- “I can see you’re really upset that we have no more time to play. That’s really hard.”
- “I’m sorry you don’t want to set the table right now because you’re tired. I get tired at the end of the day, too.”
Encouraging your child to listen can sometimes be very hard. Here are answers to your most commonly asked questions based on real-life scenarios.