We may have grand intentions when it comes to involving our kids in chores. But how do you know which chores are best for kids and how do you implement a system that will not result in more work for you? How do you message the importance of chores to your child in a way that instills responsibility, independence, discipline and teamwork? Here is our game plan.
“Teach them the skills they’ll need in real life, and give them enough leash to practice those skills on their own.”
– Julie Lythcott-Haims, How to Raise an Adult
Learn
- How kids benefit from chores – To name a few: Responsibility, discipline, and an understanding that being part of a community means pitching-in to get things done for the ‘betterment of the whole’. The research is clear: children who do chores have a better chance of growing up to be successful adults.
- Specifically, research shows that doing chores as early as ages 3 or 4 is the best predictor of success in young adulthood (e.g., on measures related to academics, career path and personal relationships).
- When? One effective way to implement a chore system is to use a weekly schedule. Assign your child different chores for different days of the week.
- Which chores? Children as young as two are capable of chores, and are often eager helpers. Leverage that enthusiasm, and build it in reluctant older children by focusing on their readiness for adult tasks. Refer to this chart to determine which chores might work for your child, based on age.
| Ages 2 – 4 | Ages 4 – 5 | Ages 5+ |
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All of the Ages 2-4 chores plus:
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All of the previous chores plus:
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Do
Core Marbles
- Instilling new habits, like chores, takes time. Don’t expect your child to remember what they must do every day at the start.
- Post your schedule in multiple places.
- Use pictures for pre-readers.
- “Must-Do’s before Want-To-Do’s.”
- Unlike other charts, there is no built-in reward – a chore chart is a tool to help identify which tasks must be done.
How? Framing is Critical
- Frame chores as jobs that have to be done and that are unpaid. You can add in other ‘money jobs’ beyond chores if your child wants to earn some money. Keep allowance independent of chores.
- In rewarding a child when they do a chore or an activity that benefits the community, they may learn that that chore is only worth doing when they’re given some sort of prize as a result. Instead, a child should get to experience the feeling of contribution is its own reward.
- Neuroscience studies show that pleasure centers of the brain light up when people behave altruistically.
- Instead of motivating your child to earn a reward, motivate your child with ERN encouragement to do the not-so-fun but necessary things they don’t want to do. (Empathy, Rationale, Non-controlling language)
- In rewarding a child when they do a chore or an activity that benefits the community, they may learn that that chore is only worth doing when they’re given some sort of prize as a result. Instead, a child should get to experience the feeling of contribution is its own reward.
- Emphasize that chores are exciting because they mean your child is ready to start learning how to be a grown-up (vs. characterizing them as a burden or a bore).
- That feeling of mastery and autonomy is the reward (intrinsic motivation).
A Game Plan for Introducing Chores
- Announce the plan at a family meeting.
- For example, “Kids, we have some exciting news. We have noticed lately that you are really growing up and are able to do so many things – we think you’re ready to start with your own chores!
- Chores are jobs around our house that need to get done so that we have time to play together as a family.
- Now that you can do chores, you can practice to be a grown-up and you are helping our family at the same time.”
- Present your child with a chore schedule – When designing your schedule, think about what is realistic for your family. Things to consider:
- What chores can you ensure will happen with minimal support from you?
- What are chores that need to be done weekly? (We recommend starting small.)
- What time of day is easiest for you to monitor chores? For example, grand visions of a young child helping prep dinner, set and clear the table may not come to fruition given that this can be a challenging time of day, so consider using breakfast or snack time instead.
- Keep it simple. Be consistent. Here’s an example schedule for a 4-5 year old:
| Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday | Saturday |
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- Expect to remind your kids of their daily tasks and expect that not everything will get done at the beginning (especially the way you like it).
- Praise your child for completing their chores, and point out the impact.
- “Wow, you are working so hard at getting your chores done and I really appreciate how helpful you are to our family. It makes me so happy to see you learning how to be a grown-up. You can do so many things already!”
- Celebrate small victories and keep your eye on the long-term prize: a self-sufficient, responsible child who recognizes the value of teamwork.
Inspired!
- Here’s a blank template for My Weekly Chores for you to individualize.
- If your child is motivated by checking off tasks on a checklist, laminate your schedule so they can mark an item complete with a dry erase marker.
If Your Child Resists Doing Chores
- Expect some level of initial resistance.
- Kids are typically egocentric; they do not usually appreciate how much work it takes to run a household or community, and may not inherently demonstrate interest in your need for help.
- Chores require some level of delayed gratification and a child may struggle to complete a job that is not immediately gratifying to them.
- If your child resists chores, try implementing the rule “Must-Do’s before Want-To-Do’s” so that your child understands that if they want something extra (e.g., go to the playground, go on a scooter ride, etc.), their Must-Do’s, which includes chores, must be done first. Reassure them that they have time for both.